Hatebreed, Cannibal Corpse, Unearth, Born of Osiris – Maplewood, MN

When Charo told me about the Decimation of the Nation Tour, I was way more excited than I should have been. I have been dying to see Born of Osiris, and I love Cannibal Corpse, Unearth, and Hatebreed. The date rolled around and I headed over to The Rock in Maplewood – which is about as far from my place as you can get and still be considered in the Twin Cities Metro. It didn’t help it was all kinds of snowy and icy.

I’d never been there, so I didn’t know what to expect. I didn’t expect the door guy giving people crap for wearing band shirts from the band they were going to see that night – one of the most hilarious things ever. Yes, it annoys me when people wear the shirt of the bands they are seeing. Apparently, this angered the door guy too. The show was a bit steep on cost, but I could justify it because I knew there would be solid acts.

Born of Osiris – Absolutely flawless. This is my first time seeing them and they didn’t disappoint. Best band of the night, honestly. The guitarists switched guitars occasionally from 7 to 6 strings, which shows they’re not a low-chug band all the time. I saw incredible drumming - REALLY. The keyboards weren’t annoying, but I would be totally bored if I wasn’t playing half of the time – that’s just me though. Amazingly heavy sound and excellent stage presence. I feel bad giving such a small review for this band since they were so amazing. However, there’s nothing this band could have done better. I would have paid the money just to see this band – and I’ll do it again.


Unearth – This was the biggest disappointment of the night. I’ve seen these guys two other times and they’ve been VERY tight. This time, there was painfully obvious sloppy guitar work – I was VERY surprised. I’m not sure if they were drunk or had an off night, but it was bad. The solos on the guitars were waaaay too loud in the mix and I blame the guitarists since they were controlling the volume with their enormous pedal boards. The bass player used a pick and played two strings and was boring – apparently, this might be a new bass player – still no excuse. The Chickenhawk guitar guy with shaved layers into the sides of his head sang all the fruity parts (not surprising). There was waaay too much kitchy and corny staged antics, like the guitarists pulling down these Mesa Boogie cabinets without speakers in them (and not plugged in), so they could climb on them like big blocks and pose like idiots. If you’re going to do that, don’t write “DUMMY” on the top of the cabinet in big letters. Yeah, swinging from the rafters of the venue could be fun, but not when it is totally staged with go-go boxes you’ve pretended to be playing through the whole set. The singer, who may have been a tad drunk, told people to try to get past the bouncers in front of the stage. The best part of the band tonight was the drummer – he’s a smasher, but is really good and solid. There are two kinds of drummers – those that break cymbals and those that don’t break cymbals – this drummer is in the earlier group, but at the same time, he’s got some finesse. That’s what I like to see. Also, I hate backwards hat-wearing push moshers in the crowd.


Cannibal Corpse – One of the best death metal acts EVER. They have never disappointed me. The band makes no eye contact, except for the singer. They wear standard metal outfits – black cargo pants with combat boots and black band shirts. Didn’t move at all from their designated spot, which is super death metal style. Everyone has long hair, even the one going bald. The drummer was flawless and looked like Yanni’s younger brother. The bass player (normally filler in metal bands) tapped various parts, soloed, mirrored the guitar parts, and played all of the strings on his bass. The guitarist in front of me banged his head and dripped enormous amounts of sweat. The guitarist had an Anal Blast shirt on – which is awesome because I know one of the guys from this Minnesota-based band – not QUITE hometown heroes… The singer, George “Corpsegrinder” Fisher, had eye contact, but normally these guys are all serious and scary – Corpsegrinder kept laughing at the crowd. He said we were the funniest crowd on tour. Every time the band would stop, someone in the crowd would yell something ridiculous or yell out a song and get it wrong or just do something retarded – it honestly was hilarious. It’s hard to be all tough and scary metal guy when the crowd is a bunch of morons. The singer’s neck is the size of my waist, probably because he spins his head and headbangs the entire show. They said they were going to finish with the crowd favorite Hammer Smashed Face, but they lied and played Stripped, Raped, and Strangled last – a much better finishing song – yes, I’m serious. Flawless except for some weird crackle in the speaker which I was standing right in front of (with ear plugs). These guys play through four Mesa Boogie cabinets per side, and all were functional and plugged in. SERIOUS volume.


Hatebreed – This is one of my favorite tough guy hardcore bands. Jamie Jasta got a rep for being a sell out because he got himself on MTV, but he’s still a good front man. He gets the crowd going and tries to get people on stage. At some point, some of the stage crew run across the stage and stage dives and he scores them, which I thought was pretty funny. He gave them a 7 and 9 for the night. At one point, Jamie even stopped the show when one of the bouncers got hurt. And he DID get hurt. It was pretty bad – EMTs and everything. Overall, great sound from the guitars. The bass player moved a hell of a lot, which is good for a bass player, since they’re generally playing one note at a time and have time to jump, kick people, and have fun. They all moved around all of the stage and interacted with the crowd, even though we were behind the barrier. The drummer is super solid and I like his style. He’s a solid hardcore drummer and puts in some interesting things, without being an over-the-top metal drummer. There was a young kid being smashed against the gate and one of the bouncers let him over to stand in the area in front to protect him. One of the stage guys asked the kid’s parents if they minded if he came up on the stage to watch from there and the kid got to watch the entire show from the stage. I’ll bet that kid is still smiling about that. He was having a great time.

All in all, a fantastic show that I’m glad I didn’t find some excuse for NOT going to. The sound quality at The Rock is really good and there’s plenty of room to stand without getting crowded or hit with things. Good area for merch to be sold and the bathrooms didn’t scare me to death. That’s a good thing.

Top 5 things about the Decimation of the Nation Tour
1. Born of Osiris
2. Cannibal Corpse
3. Hatebreed
4. Awesome sound in the venue
5. Corpsegrinder cracking up at the crowd

Bottom 5 things
1. Unearth’s performance
2. Backwards-hat-wearing d-bags push-moshing
3. Coach wasn’t there to hang at this amazing show with me
4. Hate Eternal canceled and I was hoping to see them
5. There were shot girls walking around in whore-y clothes trying to get the d-bags to buy shots from them while they yelled “wooooo!” like morons
www.myspace.com/bornofosiris
www.myspace.com/unearth
www.myspace.com/cannibalcorpse
www.myspace.com/hatebreed

Halloween 2009 - Minneapolis and Victoria, MN

This year’s Halloween festivities took place at two different locations. I thought about going into detail with this post, but due to incriminating circumstances and names being strewn about, I will keep it simple.

Party #1 – Minneapolis
Dr. Horrible and the Crazy Cat Lady

LowVee is definitely a Wild Thing

TheDoctor is a fantastic Bear Jew (NOT a Jew Bear, which we decided should be a kosher gummy bear)

Three hot ladies

Jolly Green Giant and Crazy Cat Lady

Party #2 – Victoria (I think it’s on the west coast – I just know we drove forever to get there)

Yes, those cases were actually full (at the beginning of the night)

A proud family. A weird family, but a proud one, nonetheless...

No one got thirsty, thankfully

Peacetime Wolverine - drinking and claws do not mix

DeltaForceCommander giving out the award for best costume to the Mad Hatter

Spring Break!!! Skin to win!!!

Putting the ghey in geisha (no he's NOT Boy George)

Don't let her kids see this photo

The more drinks there were, the more Crane Kicks we saw from DeltaForceCommander

Brawl of America Roller Derby Northern Region Championship – St. Paul, MN

As many of you know, I’m totally hooked on roller derby. Gerd and I were huge fans last year and went to almost every bout at the Roy Wilkins Auditorium. Every region has a championship tournament and this year, it was held in Minneapolis – The Brawl of America. The Twin Cities has two roller derby leagues (Minnesota Roller Girls and the North Star Roller Girls), and both of them made it to the regional championships.

The tournament was three days of derby, but I had things going on during Friday’s bouts and also during Saturday’s bouts. But Sunday was my day of derby – plus it was the final day, so there was going to be excellent derby. I will try not to go into too much detail so I don’t blow way over people’s heads, but I get excited talking about it, so I’ll try to reign it in.

First bout – Minnesota Roller Girls vs. Grand Raggidy (Grand Rapids, MI) – for 9th/10th place
This bout was extremely close with lots of lead changes. It’s been a few months since I’ve seen MNRG skate, and they looked really solid. Honeydew Fellon laid some serious smackdown on Grand Raggidy which is always nice to see. MNRG saw some serious penalty box activity which hurt them, but not enough for them to blow their lead. MNRG wins over GRRG (91-75).

Second bout – North Star Roller Girls (MN) vs. Arch Rivals (St. Louis, MO) – for 5th/6th place
This bout started out all North Star. Lots of big point jams (two 19-point jams) put NSRG up 51-8 at the half. After the half, ARRG looked like they had more of their act together, but the point spread was too great for St. Louis to come back. This was the first time I’ve seen North Star skate – they’re REALLY good. I can’t wait to catch them this season! Plus my friend Ginger McInjure skates for this league, which will be fun to watch. NSRG wins over ARRG (85-43).

Third Bout – Detroit Derby Girls vs. Cincinnati Rollergirls – for 3rd/4th place and trip to Nationals
This was a bout I was seriously looking forward to. I had heard Detroit is a great team, but they can play dirty. Since they have certainly all lost their jobs, I assumed they’d be extra pissed off, but that wasn’t the case. It was the exact opposite – Cincy played kind of dirty and Detroit walked all over them and had fun doing it. I started out cheering for Cincy (as the underdog), but then when I saw the skill that Detroit had, I quickly changed. I saw my first ever (HAS to be a league record) 30-point jam. Also known as a sextuple slam. Detroit was up 73-18 at the half. Detroit kept mopping the floor with the Cincy girls throughout the remainder of the bout. DDG wins over CRG (126-62).

Final bout – Windy City Roller (Chicago, IL) vs. Mad Rollin’ Dolls (Madison, WI) – for the championship
I was really surprised there weren’t more people watching this bout. It was for all the marbles, and two of the best teams in the northern region. It was amazing to watch. Chicago was on fire, claiming lead jammer on almost every jam. Madison showed great blocking, but couldn’t stop the amazingly fast Chicago jammers. The score of 90-19 at the half seems like a blowout, but it wasn’t boring derby, like you’d think. It was still full of really hard hitting blocking and finesse jamming. I was fortunate to be sitting trackside with some of the skaters from St. Louis and North Star, so they were giving me updates on things to watch and screaming right along with me. Super fun sitting trackside with derby girls – I would highly recommend it. We had to save our drinks a number of times as skaters flew into the crowd (rule number one of derby is NEVER spill your drink). Second half was more of the Chicago domination. Again, still worth sticking around for. WCR win over MRD (150-56)

I still think the Roy Wilkins Auditorium is one of the best venues I’ve been to for roller derby. Perfect size, amenities, and it’s easy to get to. They have a great EMT staff (which came in handy a number of times as things got super competitive out there – blood all over the track is never good) and they are genuinely glad you’re there to watch derby. Kudos to those people.

Top 5 things about Brawl of America
1. Seeing a 30-point jam was awesome
2. Watching Chicago’s top-level skill, made even more awesome because you can clearly see how good Madison is
3. Changing my mind about the Detroit Roller Girls (my throat still hurts a little)
4. Best venue ever for roller derby – The Roy
5. Sitting trackside with smoking hot roller girls

Bottom 5 things
1. Roller derby will never be the same without Gerd. I get really sad at these bouts thinking about her screaming along with me and making fun of the fans (who were probably making fun of us)
2. The concession stand had a beer leak and my shoes were sticky and noisy all night
3. My thumbs actually hurt from sending regular updates to ChickenLittle and Slutnik in Seattle, and Callous-un in Chicago, and PalmMapper in Michigan
4. The trackside cement doesn’t get any more comfortable after 2 full bouts
5. I know Saturday it was a full house (without John Stamos), but Sunday’s crowd was WEAK!

www.brawlofamerica.com

Alamo & River Walk - San Antonio, TX

Since we’re in San Antonio, we decided to get the touristy things out of the way on day one, especially since day one was a Friday and might be less trafficked. We headed to the Alamo, since Coach had never been there. Of course, there were lots of comments about the basement along the way and he paged Mr. Herman numerous times, but it was still hilarious.

Amanda Hugginkiss drove us downtown and parked within a couple blocks of the Alamo. We walked around the corner and saw this guy that looked just like Coach’s brother. I don’t mean his ACTUAL brothers, LBJ and OBJ, but someone who could have been his brother. Why? Because the guy had long brown hair, a goatee, was… uhhh… portly, oh yeah, and was wearing the EXACT SAME THING Coach was wearing. Same color t-shirt and same color shorts. Hilarious. I took a photo of Coach with his fake brother behind him, so you could all see and agree with me. I love being right.


We went through the Alamo, so Coach could take it all in (twss), but you’re not supposed to take photos inside the museum parts, so we didn’t get any hilarious shots. There were some awesome kids running around with coon-skin caps which cracked us all up. Coach made a comment or two about the number of Hispanic gentlemen that were working as security guards there and how ironic some people might find that. We watched the film of the history of the Alamo and headed out to the downtown area.

The last time I was in San Antonio was with Belcher and it was like 10 years ago. We had done the RiverWalk then and weren’t all that excited about it. This time, there were some new parts of the RiverWalk open and some new places to see. So we headed down to the water to give Coach the grand tour. After some difficulty acquiring a Rio Taxi (which we kept hearing as “Real” taxi), we hopped on board with this driver/captain?/admiral? named Joseph who kept laughing nervously and loudly after everything he said. He talked about how his boat had the loudest horn on the RiverWalk and scared the bejeesus out of Coach at one point with it.

We got to see tons of stuff. Once we got away from the restaurants and shops, THAT’s when Amanda Hugginkiss got hungry/thirsty. It always happens like that. Hahahaha. I’m totally giving her crap, since she wasn’t the only one. She just brought it up first. We got to the end of the southern loop and asked the guy if there was any place to grab some food up on the northern loop (the new part) – he said no. We asked if there was any place at this stop to grab some food – he said no. We were in the middle of the Saranghetti apparently, and it was… ummm…. warming up.

We hopped off the southern route and walked up the little walkway to the other side of the tiny lock and dam system and started walking. We saw an empty boat guy driving upstream and we hailed him and asked where we got on. He looked over both shoulders and said, if you can make it down this embankment, you can hop on right here. Coach thought he was saying we’d have to jump onto the boat from the side, and since I’ve been around when he’s had a couple bad luck incidents with jumping over bodies of water, he was a little hesitant. The guy laughed and pulled up along the steep embankment and had us jump on board. He was actually really hilarious.

He gave us the grand tour of the northern section, which is kind of sparse, since the only things of note there are the San Antonio Art Museum (which is really awesome looking – used to be Anheuser Busch brewery and they converted it into a four story art space) and the Pearl Brewery (still functioning Texas brewery). The guy also pointed out the oldest VFW post in the US – which looked big and white and old. There were some artsy installations along the northern route – some pretty glass things hanging from a bridge, some giant plastic fish hanging from a bridge, some bent mirrors hanging from a bridge. I think in a few years, when this section is more developed, it will be more cool. Right now, it’s a long haul for not much to see, and there’s no tree cover on the new section.

You basically go up the river a bit, and then make a u-turn and head back down to the lock and dam section. On the way back to the southern route we were all talking about how it would be really nice to get water or something to tide us over. DeliveryBoy was out of school and intended to meet us down at the RiverWalk for a late lunch. We actually got to go through the lock and dam. We were with these annoying people who were loud and lost (so our captain made them hop the embankment and jump on board with us), and they were asking the stupidest questions about the lock. “Where does the water go?” “Are we just going to drop?” Now I’ll pull back on my mocking just a tad, since I realize not everyone grew up on the Mississippi River like I did where Locks and Dams are part of every gradeschool curriculum EVERY YEAR. So maybe those weren’t stupid questions. But I’m sure all of my family who grew up on the Mississippi River will think the questions were as ridiculous as I did.

The captain of our boat mentioned we could grab a water or soda from the RiverWalk booth just outside the Lock and Dam (which the laughing guy failed to mention), so we headed up to grab something to drink. We grabbed a couple of drinks from the ticket booth and milled around for a bit. The captain told us it would be about 15 minutes before the next Rio Taxi appeared at our location. We finally decided we should head back, and as we were walking down the first of a few steps, Amanda Hugginkiss decided it would be easier if she just rolled down the steps. (I’m not entirely convinced Coach didn’t push her, but there was no video evidence of that.) Coach said he turned around and wondered why Amanda Hugginkiss would be sitting on the ground at this particular moment. He CLAIMS he didn’t see anything. I unfortunately saw it all.

She went down hard on the stone steps and skinned her ankle. Our boat captain from the northern route just happened to be walking past when she fell and he ran over to make sure she was alright. He suddenly got creepy and made a comment about how “we” all know CPR (was he referring to boat captains or Coach, myself, and himself?) and how we might be “working on” her later. None of us even know what he meant, but I was impressed with his ability to turn on the creep so quickly in an emergency situation.

Just then, Coach looked up and saw our Taxi arriving. He yelled out, “our taxi is here”. Then he was torn whether to run after our taxi or stay and make sure Amanda Hugginkiss was alright. It was hilarious! She thought he was joking, and I assured her our taxi was indeed pulling up to the boarding zone. She got up off the ground and slowly limped down the rest of the steps to the boarding area, just as the taxi pulled away. She was less than pleased. So now, she was skinned, hot, exhausted, hungry, and angry that we missed the boat (literally). We waited just a couple more minutes and the next taxi arrived to pick us up. Amanda Hugginkiss seemed to be moving around alright, but she’s one of those people who doesn’t show weakness and could have been missing an arm and would have told us she was fine. She’s a trooper.

We headed back to home base on our new taxi and met DeliveryBoy back at the Alamo. We needed to find some food for all of us and quickly. Thankfully, he knew right where to go!

Top 5 things about the Alamo and RiverWalk
1. Hanging out with Amanda Hugginkiss talking crap about my nephew the DeliveryBoy
2. Seeing Coach’s fake brother at the Alamo
3. The RiverWalk is about the same as I remember from the last time – touristy, but great for people watching
4. Watching Coach being torn between running down a water taxi or staying to make sure we didn’t have to amputate Amanda Hugginkiss’ leg
5. Didn’t get sunburned like last time – Wahoo!!! (just a little pinkness around my face)

Bottom 5 things
1. Gerd should be on this trip hanging out with all of us. She loved all of these people and would have made this trip even more ridiculously fun
2. Amanda Hugginkiss eating pavement on the RiverWalk
3. There’s not much to see (nor shade) on the newly opened northern route of the RiverWalk
4. Amanda Hugginkiss got money out of an ATM that displayed her detailed account information on the screen for about 4 or 5 minutes after her transaction was finished and thankfully we saw it and waited around until it disappeared – super weird and dangerous
5. I’m totally convinced these river taxi people just make things up about the buildings and touristy things they point out. I could totally do this job if I got to make things up all day. I do a little bit of that right now at my current job…

www.thealamo.org
http://www.thesanantonioriverwalk.com

Whitey’s Ice Cream – Coralville, IA

Sometimes when I drive home from Illinois back to Minneapolis, I call up my best friend Coach and see if he wants to meet me at the mall for some Whitey’s Ice Cream. He and his girlfriend, Toach (whom I need to come up with another name for or he’ll yell at me – I just haven’t done it yet), would meet EyeHeartPizza and I at the mall for a quick snack and then we’d bail.

I like to walk through the mall to get a feel for the "scenery" in the Iowa City area, so I park at the far end of the mall and walk through the whole thing to the end that houses Whitey's. It also has the added bonus effect of angering EyeHeartPizza since she hates malls and is already in a bad mood from the early start (and pounding head) she got. Sucked to be her.

I ordered a banana split with strawberries (to make it pink) and EyeHeartPizza even paid for it! If I would have known that, I would have gotten a large. Bummer. Whitey’s truly is the best ice cream ever. Whether it’s in shake form, or scoop, or even their desserty things, it’s amazing. Sadly, the ice cream isn’t going to be the focus of this review.

We usually grab a seat next to the ice rink and watch people falling down, or painful first dates, or hockey scrimmage or something. The last time we met at the mall, we got to see this older man who was high on life and having the time of his life. We talked about him for weeks, so we were hoping he’d be there again this time.

Guess what?

HE WAS THERE!!!!!!!!! This guy has the biggest cornball smile on his face ever. He skates all over the rink, doing spins and with his hands in the air and skating backwards and prancing around on the ice. It is the best ice cream snack entertainment ever. The guy will skate past where we’re sitting and make sure we’re watching him and smiling approvingly of his tricks. We were all convinced he was putting the moves on Coach. I mean, why wouldn’t he? This time, he actually had a girl with him – which really surprised us, if you know what I mean. He would skate backwards in front of her pulling her along, or just in front of her coaxing her forward. And every once in a while, she’d get a little off balance and they’d get tangled up and drop to the ice really hard. Then he would push her aside to watch him and he’d skate around and do some tricks. At one point, she whipped out her cell phone and was filming him, certainly at his request. One of the best parts was him skating to "The Final Countdown" by Europe. That's classy skating, I don't care who you are.

I’m not sure what the names of these moves are, but I don’t really remember seeing them in a lot of competitions. Oh wait, I don’t actually watch figure skating on television. That might also be why I’ve never seen these moves. I got as many shots of this guy as I could. I hope they work on here. You won’t be disappointed.

Since the review really wasn’t about ice cream, I won’t give it a Top 5. It’s really the old guy ice skating that I want you to see.

Denver Roller Dolls vs. Rat City Rollers – Denver, CO

One of the reasons I went out to Denver in the first place was to go to the roller derby bout between Rat City Rollers (Seattle's traveling team) and the Denver Roller Dolls. My friend Slutnik skates for Rat City and she was going to drive down to Denver with Chicken Little and meet me for the bout. They ended up not making the drive down from Seattle, but I still wanted to show my support for Rat City, so I threw on my Rat City shirt and prepared to yell real loud!

My cousin’s husband Houston wanted to check it out, so we hopped in the car and drove to the Denver Coliseum. We parked around back with the rest of the riff raff and scored our tickets at the booth. We grabbed a tasty beverage once inside and found some seats. There were plenty available, since the crowd was pretty sparse, compared to what I’ve seen at other bouts.

I had explained most of the rules (as I know them) to Houston before the bout, so he picked up the game pretty quick. So quick, in fact, that he started crap talking Rat City to me and cheering on his hometown Denver Roller Dolls. It was pretty funny. There were some bad calls by the refs, but it was a pretty close match. Denver was stomping Seattle for most of the match, but Seattle looked like they were getting their act together. I'm still amazed at the length of time the refs took to haggle over points and penalties between every jam. Like 5-10 minutes in spots. Ridiculous and killed the flow and energy of the bout. That's just me though.


During the half time intermission, they had a local recreational bicycle club take the rink and play Circle of Death. Imagine 50 bikes of varying styles and sizes all going around the track, but not in the same direction. People were flipping over handlebars and crashing head-on and losing control the entire time. There were a couple of really sweet bikes out there that were taking some abuse. But everyone looked like they were having fun, in a really odd way.


The second half fired up and the Rat City girls caught up and even took the lead at one point. Then, through a lot of bizarre penalties, Denver took the lead back and ended up winning by a pretty large margin.

I popped down onto the track to talk to the announcer from Seattle who was friends with Chicken Little. He asked if I was going to the afterparty and I said I wasn’t sure. Hadn’t really planned on it, but now that he mentioned it, it sounded like fun.

Houston made the proper phone calls and we headed over to Benders and had no idea what to expect. The crowd was pretty thin, but then again, we drove straight over and beat most of the crowd. We did a quick tour of the place to figure out what was what. There was a sign for a tiki bar out back, but it ended up being closed or just a tiki-front, so we went back inside. We grabbed a table (one of like 4), so we’d have a good view of the action. And I’m soooo glad we did. We grabbed a couple drinks and watched people trickle in.

We watched the DJ have serious issues with setting up his lighting rig (which I thought might have been a tad late setting it up), and eventually giving up. He had on a top hat and white stripey pants. I’m not judging, but seriously, I’m totally judging. To his credit, however, he kept the music lively and mixed it up quite a bit. Mad Hatter, the DJ, is good at his craft. We also saw a guy loading in bicycle trainers. I’ve never seen that before in a bar, so I had no idea what to expect. He connected them to a laptop and pulled up a program where people could race each other. Seriously, really drunk people on stationary bikes. Weirdest bar sport I think I’ve seen.

I talked to a couple of the Rat City skaters and fans and name dropped Slutnik and Chicken Little. I was wearing my Throttle Rockets shirt from Rat City, so they knew I was alright to fraternize with. I even talked to one of the refs from Denver. He was wearing a utili-kilt, so I had my suspicions, but he ended up being a really great guy with lots of respect for the Minneapolis Roller Girls. He told me all kinds of hilarious stories about the Minneapolis girls as well.

While Houston and I sat and became progressively more creepy, we watched the guy sitting next to us intently. Why did we watch him? Because he had a bug crawling on his shirt. It was too dark to tell if it was a roach, but I’m going to go with roach. Then Houston and I both began to itch and brush imaginary bugs off our own clothes. Creep show.

Houston and I basically sat there for a couple of hours watching the entertainment. The girls from Denver Roller Dolls have the most amazing outfits ever, and also have the ladies to fill said outfits. It was quite hilarious. I bought a couple of drinks for random people who apparently are my new best friends now. I’m sure my own concept of creep/suave ratio was out of whack after the first 5 Capn n cokes I drank, then the subsequent long island iced tea and the other 4 Capn n cokes didn’t help things. I apparently creeped out a girl whom I thought was from Denver, but actually is from Seattle and knows Slutnik, so I’m sure I’m going to hear about that. Smokin hot. And not to name names, but Quigley and Begeman from Denver Roller Dolls absolutely made my night with their dancing… oh, and did I mention the outfits? I somehow decided that the reason Seattle lost to Denver was because there was less air resistance on their outfits. If Rat City would wear smaller tighter clothes like Denver, it would have been an even match.

Then random guy named Trip bought me a beer (a Stella, in fact) because he stole my seat at the table. I don’t know if you’re a regular reader of this blog or not, but I really can’t stand the taste of beer. I’ll drink anything else, especially girly drinks, but not beer. So when my new friend trip bought me a beer, I pounded it like any normal red-blooded American would have. Well, that’s my beer for the decade. For me to have been intoxicated enough to drink a whole beer, there must have been serious judgment red flags going off all over the place. I did politely turn down one of the Irish Carbombs he bought for Houston and I, however. Thankfully, one of the Denver Roller Dolls stepped up and drained it much faster than my friend Trip and his other friend. I immediately initiated the high five to the Roller Doll – also a SURE sign I’ve had way too much to drink.

I apparently sent a liquor-addled message or seven to Chicken Little, Slutnik, and to myself which may come back to haunt me, but that’s what roller derby after parties are all about, right? I name dropped Slutnik a couple more times to the Rat City Coach named Mo (handsome black man – Slutnik cracked up when I called him that), X-Kahn, the Rat City Merch Girl, and a bunch of other Rat City skaters who apparently all look the same to me when my eyes are floating around in my head like Columbo. They were all super nice and I’m pretty sure I didn’t say too many stupid things to them. Hell, who knows though.

I’m really glad Houston was my designated driver. He appeared to have a good time watching me be a complete moron, and he was still speaking to me the following morning, so I think I’m all good. No, I didn’t get any digits nor make any moves. That’s not my style. My style is more about making sure people around me are having a good time. I’m putting the “tater” back in “facilitator.”

If you ever have the opportunity to go to a roller derby bout, do it. If you ever have the opportunity to go to a roller derby after party, be willing to sacrifice your first-born because you will have the time of your life. Guaranteed.

Special shoutout to the blonde and curvy official in the penalty box for Denver. She gave me a new appreciation for girls wearing tiny pink underwear on the outside of their black tights. Modern Technology: progress is a wonderful thing…

Top 5 things about Roller Derby in Denver
1. Denver Roller Dolls After Party!!!!!
2. Denver Roller Dolls uniform – not kidding (can I put “outfits” for all of the top 5 things?)
3. 95% of derby people (skaters, scorers, refs, fans, merch people) are the nicest friendliest people in the world
4. Houston screaming for Denver at his first bout and elbowing me to make sure I knew he was cheering (as if I couldn’t hear him) – really, it was super hilarious crap-talking and got him major kudos, not that he needed any more
5. The Circle of Death bicycle crash-‘em-up

Bottom 5 things
1. Roller Derby was Gerd and I’s sport. I may not ever watch a bout again without missing her horribly.
2. The bout was low-energy, low-crowd, and really hot
3. My wallet is a lot thinner than it was yesterday
4. Chicken Little and I were going to be each other’s “differently-challenged” wingman this weekend – that’s the new PC term for retarded and I’m classy like that
5. I’m still convinced the thin Denver air made me all spinny, not the 10+ drinks I had… hahahahaha

www.denverrollerdolls.org
www.ratcityrollergirls.com

Canoe Trip – Maquoketa/Canton, IA

Once or twice a year, a group of us have been canoeing down the Maquoketa River in Eastern Iowa. This year, we set a date and invited most of the regulars and had a couple out of towners (seriously we had one from Chicago and one from Denver!). When we tell people we are going canoeing, I think they get the wrong impression. I assure them we’re not at all outdoorsy people, it’s basically a floating bar party, as you will see in the photos.

We started off meeting at Subway in the early morning to pick up sammiches for lunch. We were a tad concerned when we saw the torrential downpour and the black thunder clouds rolling in, but Coach convinced us that it would blow over.


We rounded everyone up, once Belcher got there (she’ll never change), and hit the road. 30 seconds later, we were already down a car. TinyDancer and Marty had car trouble and had to get towed. We were all like, “So long, suckers!!!!” (I’m totally kidding, they told us to go one without them, and we did – which sucked because they’re super fun.) The rain was coming to a halt, thankfully!

We pulled into the parking lot next to the river and started unloading our gear. And by gear, I mean coolers full of beverages. The Anderson Canoe Rental people came and picked us up in nice air conditioned vans and took us to the launch point.

When we got out, these people helped us unload coolers and water guns and bags and such right near the canoes (the royal treatment compared to what we’ve had before). Then the people helped us put our canoes in the water and held the boats steady while we hopped in (again, the royal treatment). And for the final sprinkle of bacon on the cake, these canoes had MANY cup holders!!!!! It’s like they knew we were coming and would need these things.

I could go on and on how awesome this trip was, but I’ll give you some highlights:
• Coach standing up in the canoe brandishing his oar like a Tusken Raider (or sandpeople, for those people not in “the know”)

• Roachie lost his balance and dove out of his canoe so as not to drown his entire family by trying to save himself

• Waaaaay too much oar-guitar going on, though Pul-Chevy did bust out the double-oar-bass for his Spinal Tap solo

• TomB and Alley-Handra’s rubber duckie being towed by their canoe

• Pul-Chevy having to stop every 15 minutes to pee and then not even phased when we were all talking to him while he was trying to go. He did have some sweet moves though…

• ImposterChao and Nutmeg did not blow away this year like they did on a previous trip
• Coach broke edge and had a couple drinks. Oh wait, he wasn’t edge…

• Mr. Burns kept switching canoes, so we’d lose track of him every once in a while

• Callous-un’s head got in the way of a large ice-cube-grenade I threw and it scrambled her judgment a little. Then she motorboated a 5 year old boy. Don’t ask…
• Cthulu caved due to all of our harassment and took of his fanny pack
• PulChevy and Callous-un threading the needle everytime there was more than a 3 foot wide gap in the rocks. It’s even more hilarious that no one noticed or cared
• Mizinformation took a tennis ball to the face (compliments of OrrmanRyan) that broke her glasses
• A REALLY deep discussion about gay/straight men/women and who likes boobs the most. (The answer is ImposterChao does!)(read his shirt in the photo below)

• Toach’s ability to bust into ANY song we mentioned lyrics to within 1 second of hearing the line. Mambo #5 was the first, then some Til Tuesday, then it just got weird. She also missed the tops of her feet with the sunscreen – ouch ouch ouch
• Tree branch limbo
• Roachie tried to swing from this large vine hanging from a tree into the river. He didn’t make it.

• EyeHeartPizza asked Callous-un if she could borrow her bag of marshmallows. Then when she got them, she immediately began pelting people with them. Oh, and then she accidentally bounced the entire bag off of Raimie’s head and the bag went into the water.
• There were many (seriously MANY) beverages consumed on this trip. Despite the fact that I did not bring my patented Black Forest Cake beverage – and heard about it like 36 times that day – the Pan Galactic Gargle Blaster seemed to be a success with this crowd.
• Easy cheese is the universe’s way of giving canoe trips the thumbs up

I know there are other stories, but you guys will get sick of not understanding my inside jokes with the canoe people. Suffice it to say, this was one of the best canoe trips ever. No one got belligerent. No one tipped their canoe (though it was close a couple of times). We all mixed and mingled canoeing positions. And we did next to ZERO actual paddling.








Top 5 things about the Canoe Trip in Maquoketa
1. I still have awesome friends in Illinois/Iowa. I would take a bullet for any of them, as long as that bullet were made of orange sherbet
2. Classy canoes with drink holders
3. Gallons and gallons of tasty beverages consumed on a river
4. The weather and river level cooperated unlike last year
5. I did NOT get sunburned this trip, like I have EVERY other time. Everytime PulChevy would pee, I’d reapply sunscreen (kidding)

Bottom 5 things
1. Gerd should have been on this trip, since the trip got flooded out last year. She would have hated and loved every minute of this trip
2. Kanoo and Mariesa and Tekmet and Sarah couldn’t make it this year. They’re charter members of the canoe crew
3. Mizinformation’s broken glasses
4. I have an aversion to sand, which I have to deal with every year when I do this. This year was particularly bad for some reason. Don’t ask.
5. Coach did not yell “merit badge” often enough. We drink when he talks about the canoeing merit badge he got in 1978. So it’s his fault if anyone got dehydrated. Rude.

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