Hearts Made Out Of Hands Incorrectly

For some reason, I have an irrational hatred for when people make a heart out of their fingers and thumbs. No particular reason why, I just do.

But what really bothers me is when people do it wrong. Like this, for example:

So I went ahead and fixed it to make me not mad. You're welcome.

Noah - The 2014 Movie

I saw the new Noah movie last night with M.Giant. We really saw this film to compare it to the last Noah’s Ark movie, which we forced large groups of people to watch for Bad Movie Nights in multiple states. While this film features some pretty A- list actors (Russell Crowe, Jennifer Connolly, Emma Watson, Anthony Hopkins), it isn’t the acting the holds this film back. It’s the story line and special effects that doom this particular version.

Here are some of the things you’ll see, if you decide to watch this movie. Director Darren Aranofsky made some serious leaps in this film in what is probably more “poetic license” than the religious die-hards that make up most of its audience will be comfortable with. It’s as if he never read the story and someone gave him the point A and point B of the film. God floods the earth because it is full of evil people. Then there’s a rainbow at the end. In fact, there’s no mention of “God” in the movie, only “the creator”. There’s no mention of 40 days and nights. No mention of cubits and that Noah was supposed to be 500 years old, while his kids are about 100 years old. There’s a lot left out, but since the director is an atheist, you have to cut him some slack, right?

[SPOLIER ALERT!!!!!!!]

• There were multiple “Claritin clear” moments
• There’s a glowing snakeskin which has magical powers
• There are glowing rocks that burst into flame when you hit them with a knife or throw them into a boat – they might be called Zohan
• Welding masks come in handy when trying to build weapons to take over an ark
• There were rock monsters (just like the ones from Lord of the Rings – or more closely related to the original Clash of the Titans film)
• In the movie there is a 35-day gestation period for a fetus, though there isn’t any mention of the 40 days of rain and then 150 days of floating - so if you account for that, it’s at least closer
• 500 year old Noah gets to hang out with his grandfather Methuselah
• There are two trees in the Garden of Eden, not one, as per the bible. Adam and Eve are only allowed to eat fruit from one of them. In the movie, this becomes tricky because the trees are intertwined! How can you be sure you're eating from the right tree? Maybe this is the director's way of saying it could have been a "whoops" situation and not a shift-woman-trick situation. Also, WHY ARE ADAM AND EVEN IN MY NOAH MOVIE?!?!
• Women CONTINUE to be blamed for ruining everything in life and stepping between man and God’s plan. Not just in the Garden of Eden. It isn’t even subtle any more
• I’m not convinced Mickey Rourke isn’t Tubal-Cain – Noah’s enemy in the film (which is even more comical because there IS a wrestler named Cain)
• Hollywood needs to get better educated on how to make individual CGI birds. Flocks and flocks of birds they do alright, but not individual birds
• I had to wait until the end of the movie for stock animal footage from National Geographic
• Noah was drunk in the original man cave
• I still waited for Anthony Hopkins to tell Noah’s wife he could smell her aunt with a C [Which MommasBoy just reminded me wasn't said by Hopkins. It was his cell neighbor and Hopkins just comments on it.]
• There were serious rocket launchers in Noah’s time
• Noah had a flare gun to get God’s attention in a maritime emergency
• I, like Noah, also scream “HAAAAAMMMM!!!!!” periodically
• There were armor-plated dogs in Noah’s time. Maybe they didn’t make it onto the ark. Bummer
• Why did Noah grab the broken arrow from the armor-plated dog when he had a HUGE KNIFE
• The producers tied evolution VERY nicely into the creationism montage – sneaky (because they know scientists are right)
• Cain killing Abel turned into a montage of other war killings (Civil War, Spanish-American War, World War I & II, etc.)
• Whenever Noah would look up at the sky for God’s advice, I’d hear Yukon Cornelius’ voice saying, “NNNNNNuthin’!” every time
• Noah kills SOOOO many people. I don’t remember that in the bible
• When they panned out to show the entire earth, it was entirely covered in hurricane cloud swirls, ensuring Al Roker’s head would explode
• There was an island of misfit toys and everyone is whining on it
• Noah appears to be wearing a double-stitched denim biker vest in much of the movie
• Rocks are secretly angels
• In the previews, there was one religious movie and then a whole bunch of ridiculous CGI films like the new Transformers movie. Noah thinks VERY highly of its own CGI renderers
• It looks like there is an oil pipeline behind the zohan mine
• The D-bag next to me couldn’t understand British accents and would keep saying, “huh?” loudly (he didn’t have an insidevoice/whisper)…. And then he would loudly make out with his girlfriend
• Only non-humans are knocked out by the magic sleepy smoke
• Shem’s wife has twin girls so Shem’s brothers could have someone to have sex with
• Noah has hundred of iron cauldrons for boiling boat tar. Where did they come from and who made them?
• An early pregnancy test involved spitting on a leaf – if it glows, you’re pregnant
• Where did Cain’s army get corrugated steel panels for barricades?!
• Cain snuck onto Noah’s ark and had a porthole to look out that he plugged up every once in a while. Then, Cain died when the ark landed
• Where did the really big chains come from?
• No one ever explains the water creatures. Are they all shifted to salt water for a few weeks?
• The title should have been Carnivores vs. Vegetarians

It was silent after the movie ended. Dead silent. Then someone said quietly, “…Well, THAT wasn’t right.” She said it in all seriousness and that's what made it so funny.

Based on the 1999 verison of Noah’s Ark, I was really disappointed there were no fingers in any jars, or orgies, or dinosaur bones, or God’s voice, or songs about kitchen sinks, or peddlers, or water battles, or hats, or flaming rats, or 2x4’s.

I found myself laughing through much of this movie, I must admit. I mean, the director even made a comment about it being the least biblically accurate bible movie ever made in an interview. It is really going after the special effects crowd, which I should have known when they ran tons of trailers during The Walking Dead. Sadly, the special effects were pretty average. I apologize for throwing so many spoilers at you all, but most of us know the story from Sunday School. And you too might be better off just sticking with the high points. 

1. Flood. 
2. 2 of every creature. 
3. Rainbow. 

That’s all you need to know.

For my money, I’ll continue to push the 1999 version of Noah’s Ark on people. Where else can you see pirates trying to take over the ark and a koala bear poop on Mary Steenburgen?

Washington County Fair – Lake Elmo, MN

This trip to the fair was going to accomplish two awesome things. 1) Demolition Derby and 2) Eli’s Donut Burger.

1) Last year, a group of the Atomic Bombshells – one of the Minnesota Rollergirls home teams – and I drove down to Rochester to see Derby Dan compete in his first ever demolition derby. He and his lovely wife are Atomic Bombshell fans and had their car painted in Bombshell colors. He ended up winning his division last year. So this year, when we heard he was going to smash up another car at the Washington County Fair, we tried to get a bunch of us to go again. Sadly, we only got two actual roller girls, but a couple of other people went along to keep it fun.

The afternoon of this year’s event, Derby Dan and crew invited us over for grilling and painting. He let Boom and Bully paint Atomic Bombshell logos on the sides of the car he was about to destroy. Seriously, Derby Dan and his entire family are amazing people. We all schlepped down to the fair to stroll around and scream really loud.


2) Since we had gotten there early, we decided to walk around the fair. I also might have let Boom’s son (SonOvaBoom)(or SOB for short) know that the guy selling Donut Burgers would be here. He, of course, wanted to try one. I was probably more excited than I should have been, but I had already had one, so I knew exactly what I was in for. I knew from the second I got out of the car that today was going to be a good day. It may have had something to do with the fact that I saw a special needer with a TRIPLE DREAM CATCHER walking out the gate of the fair. Apparently, NOTHING gets past this guy in his sleep. All dreams are caught in an intricate web of string and feathers. Amazing. I will also tell you that I hunted high and low for a TDC (tripledreamcatcher) in the craft barns, the vendor booths, and the midway carnie games. I never found one. He must have gotten the last one!
We found Eli’s Donut Burger food truck towards the back of the place and I strolled right up. Boom thought it was sad that the owner recognized me by sight. But he’s a good guy and chatted us up while our food cooked. And yes, I did get it with cheese and bacon. I also saw him put on a serious layer of donut glaze right before he handed them to us. I gave the first one to SOB so he wouldn’t have to wait. His eyes lit up like he just got a pony on xmas morning. Another satisfied customer. Mine came out pretty shortly after that and I dove right in. These things were even better than I remember. I don’t think I can wait that long in between eating these things now. We chatted with the owner while people walked past and we tried to drum up some additional business for him. I’m not sure if it worked, but I had another amazing Donut Burger, so I know *I* was happy.

We headed back to the demolition derby when I realized I didn’t think I could make it through the day without some cookie dough – yes, I saw there was a cookie dough booth and tried to summon will power. I made it about 100 feet from the gate of the demolition derby before I caved and ran back to get some. It was cookie dough on a stick that you could get dipped. I had mine dipped in a serious layer of white chocolate and got sprinkles all over it. That’s what I’m talking about. It was pretty good. It wasn’t mom’s cookie dough or anything, but it was good. The white chocolate helped the flavor and the sprinkles made me look creepy. I think it was a win all around.

Once we got back into the demolition derby, we were informed that we needed to be trophy girls again, like we did last year. I love being a trophy girl. I’m thinking about putting it on my resume now that I’ve done it twice. We went back and checked out the finished paint job on Dan’s demo car (a Buick regal), and then went and stood behind the announcer’s booth to watch the first couple of heats. I don’t know if you’ve ever been to a demolition derby before, but there’s a lot of smoke and mud. EVERYWHERE. People fought to get front row seats with their lawn chairs. I kept thinking maybe this year’s was different than last years because I remember a significant amount of mud clods flying into the crowd. These people were hosed, for sure. Sure enough. Within 30 seconds of the green flag, people were scrambling out of their seats and were covered in all kinds of mud. Absolutely hilarious white trash fun. You have to experience it at least once.
Derby Dan didn’t finish in the cash this year, but he did manage to blow two tires, shredding one of them and losing entirely the other one. It was awesome. Then, after the race, he drove off into the pits like nothing was wrong, even though he was literally driving on his rims. And cutting an awesome double groove in the dirt. We went back and high-fived, because smashing up cars is serious high-five business. Everyone has a good time at these events, I’m thinking.


All in all, it was a fantastic night in Lake Elmo. I’m not sure if I’ll be back next year to this fair or not. But if either Derby Dan or Eli’s Donut Burgers will be there, so will I.

MMA Extreme Challenge 188 – Target Center – Minneapolis, MN

Here’s the surprising part: I won tickets to an event! Here’s the not surprising part: I won them through Taco Bell!

I will give a disclaimer that I’m likely to offend people by this review. If you’re offended, you’re probably one of the people I’m commenting on, and I offer no apology. However, the rest of the population will find it amusing, factual, and will join me in pointing fingers and laughing at you.

I got an email saying I won two tickets to the MMA Extreme Challenge 188 because I had entered some contest. So I wrote the person back basically asking, “Really???” Of course I was suspicious. But the lady assured me I could pick up tickets at the Target Center Box Office the day before. I took off a little early from work and drove downtown. You know when a bad time to go the Target Center Box Office is? Right before a Twins game – right next to the Target Center. So basically to park my car and run in to pick up the tickets was going to cost me $20. Ouch. Thankfully, a nice lady-cop helped me out and it only cost me a dollar. And no I won’t tell you how to make that happen – I’m not giving away my new found secret.

The following night, D.Rough and I headed to the Target Center after hours of deciding what to wear. How would we fit in? Is it classy like a Vegas fight? Is it wife beaters and cut-off jorts? Or is it Ed Hardy D-Bag sparkle shirts with backwards baseball hats and $200 jeans. Turns out it’s the latter.

Let me start by saying the douch-baggery started before we even got into the event. Out in the ticket window area (there were some minor mix ups in the tickets), there was a large group of people with a d-bag father who had bought a bunch of tickets for a group of his kids and his kid’s friends. The handful of tickets were given to the family in the hands of one moronically-dressed two-toned haired whore. She turned around and started handing out the tickets. We heard some of the kids say – wow, we didn’t buy $82 tickets – sweet. Then we heard the father absolutely blow up, insult the window lady, and demand a manager “who wasn’t an idiot” when he didn’t get one of the chosen few $82 tickets and didn’t think to ask his kid’s friends who got the special seats he had bought. He caused a scene and was a complete dill hole about the whole thing. I loathe people like that. L. O. A. T. H. E.

Once inside, the d-baggery continued. I felt I didn’t have enough gold and silver lamé on my shirt – mainly because I didn’t have ANY – and I wasn’t wearing a baseball hat backwards. In fact, the only people who had their hats on the proper direction were the people wearing golf hats and were clearly out of place. Also, my shirt was the proper size. I didn’t choose to wear the same size shirt as I had in Jr. High. Again, I stuck out. I also didn’t have a pencil thin chin strap beard or a soul patch, so I’m sure people thought I was in the wrong venue.

I was amazingly underwhelmed at the crowd at this thing. Seriously, there were 1,500-2000 people there, and that might be generous. The place was barren. They had half of the Target Center curtained off. HALF, and the octagon was in the middle of the floor with whores (the girls that walk around with giant cards telling you what round it is) and d-bags who had paid $200+ for ringside seats – yes, I’m serious. TWO HUNDRED DOLLARS.

The first fight had started right when we got there. They do the amateur bouts first. No knees, no elbows, three rounds. These are just regular joes who like to beat the hell out of each other. Some big, some small, some in shape, some not so much, some scrappy, some monstrous – a wide variety. On top of all this, the ring announcer was completely indecipherable. He basically yelled in a sing-song voice and we really couldn't make out any of the words he was saying. Heck, who knows - maybe the MMA has its own language, or maybe the sparkly shirts are some sort of communication translator.

This is my "Really?" face, seen most of the evening.

The people in the crowd were loud and drunk, even though there was absolutely zero energy in the air. None. I can remember watching AWA and WCW wrestling when I was a kid and despite it looking like it was filmed in someone’s basement with folding chairs, it had a million times more energy in the crowd.

But I did take the opportunity to write down verbatim what some of the drunks were yelling. Mainly because it amused the hell out of me. Here’s some select words yelled by the people around me towards the octagon:
Sock em up! Throw the right! Chop him down! 1-2-3! Shoulda kicked! Pick him up and slam him! Choke his ass out! Right in the triangle! Beat them kidneys! Make him piss blood! Keep it going! He's looking for a triangle! Put it on him! Squeeze! Drop a knee on him! Knee hook! Show him what Superior’s all about! (this was directed to a fighter from Superior, Wisconsin) Pound him! Get that leg out!

D.Rough tried to join in by yelling “neck squish!” She claims it’s a technical term. It was ineffective.

I sort of hated everything at a certain point, so I did what I do best – I went to the concession stand. I mentioned there was no one at the event, right? (1,500 doesn’t fill the Target Center if you’re wondering). I even took a picture of the concourse to show you how busy it is. Seriously, this is during the event. Even Lynx games have more people than this (I had a blast at the last Lynx game I went to, so I’m not taking a shot at them, I promise).

I grabbed a brat and some nachos for D.Rough and I to share and we listened to the concession stand worker complain about the number of people working the booths that night when there was no one there. We looked around and they were fully staffed. FULLY. Not all of the booths were open (no State Fair booth, sadly), but there were like 6 booths open and fully staffed with people literally sitting around doing nothing. All night. Sucked to be them and I felt bad.

D.Rough and I ate some of our food out in the concourse, since it was much quieter out there and no one was going to disturb us.

We went back in right before the intermission and were surprised to see abolsultely nothing going on. I’m used to real sporting events where you get some sort of entertainment during the half time space. They could have taken their cue from roller derby and maybe had little kids come out and show their MMA skillz. Yeah, show all these people that your daddies taught you to beat the hell out of someone until their unconscious – that’s fun, right?

The second half started and was the professional fighters. These guys can use their knees and elbows and they go for five minute rounds – five of them. This part just got long and boring. We had moved seats so we could sit with some of our friends who were actually into the event, but we seriously gave up after the second professional fighter round. Just not very action packed and no one was winning. There was a lot of blood though.

Some things I found amusing, besides the d-bags in the crowd:

• “In The Air Tonight” by Phil Collins is not really the best theme song to walk out to at a sporting event. It’s a real downer until about halfway through the song. Maybe he was trying to lull the crowd – sadly, they appeared already lulled.
• There is a sound played when there is ten seconds left in the round or the break between rounds. It actually is the sound of an orchestra conductor tapping his baton on the music stand to get the ensemble’s attention. Really a weird place to hear that sound.
• The tables on the main floor were for groups of ten – you HAD to buy ten tickets to get a table – and the seats were $102 each. Not surprisingly, not all of them were full.
• I found it amusing the write-ups for this event were saying this is an inferior league to UFC. People who do well in this league get tomove up to the UFC where the real fighters are at. The main event – that we missed – was between two guys who had fought each other 67 times and still weren’t in the UFC. That’s a lot of brain damage to sustain before getting to the big leagues.
• I feel like this sort of thing is one step from sending lions into the ring and watching people die. It’s not like I’m squeamish or anything. I was just bored. Maybe lions would have helped.
• There was a long-haired ginger fighting in one of the bouts. He came out wearing a karate Gi and had his hair ina pony tail. The guy had obviously never even seen the sun, once that Gi came off. The second we saw that, D.Rough said flatly, “I’ll bet he’s got a lot of ninja swords at home.” Classic, and that’s why I’m marrying her.
• We actually paid $12 for a beer at the Target Center.

My recommendation? Skip the MMA and go to a real sporting event, like Roller Derby. The Minnesota Roller Girls draw 5,000 people at their home season bouts and have a pre-show AND a half time show. All for $12. In fact, all for the price of one large beer at the Target Center.

Denny’s Super Mega Slamwich of Doom – Bloomington, MN

Since I saw the first advertisement for Denny’s new Fried Cheese Sandwich, I knew I’d be getting one. In fact, Rocky and I have been talking about going together to eat this thing. We finally had to set an actual date to go to our local Denny’s and sent out an open invite to have people join us on this quest of ours. Only one brave soul was up for the challenge – our good friend FullMetalJustin. After going to IHoP mistakenly, he met us at the designated Denny’s and we headed inside to take down the cheesemeister meistercheeser (come on, please tell me you get that reference…) (am I really that old?) (Belcher? Coach? Bueler? Anyone?)

For those that don’t know about the Fried Cheese sandwich, it’s the Russian Babushka Doll of Wisconsin – meaning, it’s cheese inside cheese, wrapped in cheese, and then more cheese. It’s a cheese sandwich on sourdough bread with deep fried mozzarella cheese sticks on it covered with cheese, and then you pan fry the whole sandwich like a grilled cheese. Sounds scrumptious, doesn’t it?

When we got inside and seated, we looked high and low for this thing on the menu and found nothing resembling our cheese monstrosity. Agitated and worried, we asked the waitress if they still had it – “They took that off our menu a while back. We don’t have the 2-4-6-8 menu items any more. Some of the other Denny’s still have it, though.” WHAT!?!?! We asked the lady if the cooks could make it or assemble it, if we ordered the things separately. She said no, the cooks wouldn’t do it.

It was a tough decision whether to leave and drive to another Denny’s or to simply walk across the aisle and sit in the bar (did I mention this Denny’s has a full bar drinking lounge?). We decided as a group that we could do better than the stupid menu item and we’d order our own piles of greasy food and assemble our own artery-clogging culinary abominations. So we did.

Rocky ordered half an appetizer sampler, a grilled cheese sandwich, and a cherry coke. FullMetalJustin and I were going big (because we certainly weren’t going home). We ordered the Grand Slamwich and an order of cheese sticks – EACH. I knew that wouldn’t be enough, so I got a strawberry shake. Rocky said to the waitress, “I think you see where we’re going with this…” And I chimed in “…to the HOSPITAL!!!”


We talked all sorts of metal. Rocky can talk for hours about metal music and I can listen for hours about metal music. We make a good team. FullMetalJustin (if you couldn’t tell by his name) is also a major fan of metal, so there weren’t any awkward silences – just metal. We also heard FullMetalJustin talk about his recent all-you-can-eat sushi conquests. Rocky has been running marathons recently – yeah, real marathons – so he doesn’t get to destroy his insides like he used to. I was worried he’d pass on this Denny’s adventure, but I was glad he was here talking metal with us.

The food came out and we got to work. Rocky’s assembly was a little easier than FullMetalJustin and I’s. Rocky’s sandwich was pretty true to the menu item. It was missing a cheese stick or two, but overall, he had the concept down and was going to make it happen. In fact, he DID make it happen, and ate the fries too!

The waitress had the cooks make all our sandwiches open faced, since she knew what we were up to. Kudos to you, waitress-who-will-remain-unnamed-but-if-corporate-could-get-her-some-more-hours-she-would-be-thrilled!

When seeing what FullMetalJustin and I were about to eat pre-assembled, it was a little scarier than I thought it would be.

Grand Slamwich with hashbrowns – Big. Full order of mozzarella cheese sticks with marinara – Big. The Grand Slamwich itself is an omelet with sausage and bacon inside, a layer of ham, mayo, American cheese, and maple spice spread on grilled potato bread. So then, you take as many cheese sticks as would fit – FullMetalJustin and I both got five onto our sandwiches – throw on the hasbrowns, …

…cover with marinara, …

…then re-top with the other slice of bread.

Here we see FullMetalJustin powering through the initial bites of this amazing sandwich. He actually had a layer that I didn’t have on mine – strawberry jelly – he needed more lubrication to make sure this thing didn’t get lodged in his throat. … which it DID, in fact. We were all laughing so hard when he started eating, and he sucked a bite into his lung and started coughing uncontrollably while laughing. We thought it might be a good idea to determine where the nearest hospitals were and also if Denny’s had a defibrillator – which they do, thankfully. I’m glad FullMetalJustin pulled through, though.

I think we’ll start calling this the Super Mega Slamwich of Doom. This is a gut bomb. On 82 different levels. Rocky suggested the best way to eat these kinds of monstrous sandwiches is to eat fast and by the time your stomach figures out what is happening, you’re already done with the sandwich. FullMetalJustin took this advice as gospel and absolutely destroyed this sandwich. He was already two bites into his before I even picked my sandwich up. Then, when I looked up again after two bites of my own, FullMetalJustin’s Super Mega Slamwich of Doom was gone. Rocky seriously asked, “where did your sandwich go?” and FullMetalJustin, through a mouthful of gooey cheese and bread, said, “I ate it.” The guy is an insane eater. I wouldn’t challenge him if I expected to live. He’s an eating machine. FullMetalJustin, you are the champion of Denny’s – without question.


I paced myself on my own sandwich. I took down one row of cheese sticks at a time and finished mine. I still had a pile of hashbrowns left on my plate that had fallen out, but I knew I had to eat them. Besides, neither of the two guys I was with would let me leave any food on the plate and say I actually completed the challenge. So I threw some ketchup all over the remnants of the potatoes and cleaned up the whole thing. I also wolfed down the cheese sticks since those certainly can’t go to waste.

I’m not a subscriber to the “trick your stomach” rule of speed-eating, but I still managed to eat the whole thing. Yeah, I was stuffed. Yeah, I probably shouldn’t have gotten a strawberry shake as well. Yeah, I felt like I was going to die when I got home and couldn’t sit comfortably. Yeah, my shirt still smells like cheese-fried-greasy-cheese. Yeah, I made the mistake of looking up how many calories I consumed in less than 20 minutes.

Standard Grand Slamwich – 1,310 calories
Hashbrowns – 210 calories
Full order of cheese sticks - 560
Strawberry shake – 560 calories
Grand Total – 2,640 calories

And yeah, I will be hitting the treadmill in a serious way after that meal… well… the next day, when I can actually move.

The sandwich was just ok. It was a little dry, but maybe the strawberry jelly made up for it on FullMetalJustin's sandwich. I think I would have preferred the Grand Slamburger instead of the Slamwich, if I were to do it again. I think juicy beef would have been better than a dry omelet and the hashbrowns would have already arrived on the burger. It might have just been more difficult to get cheesesticks onto. I think the ratios of bread to cheese in our constructed sandwiches were a little off - it might be better if that were corrected, but this was our first time. I think the wow factor in this case is better than the flavor factor. This sandwich probably isn't going to be on the Denny's corporate menu anytime soon (especially at the Denny's WE went to).

Overall, we had a great time talking horrific food and metal all night. I’m glad FullMetalJustin showed up (I think he had already eaten dinner, but still managed to choke this thing down at a record-breaking pace). And I’m glad Rocky and I can cross this one off our list. I don’t think there’s any reason to go back and get the “actual one” – the ones we ate were far more grotesque than the one on the 2-4-6-8 menu. (However, we got word that Rita would like to partake in the challenge, so maybe we’ll hit up a Denny’s that does have the Fried Cheese Sandwich with Rita and Rocky and I’ll call it a light snack.)

www.dennys.com

I think I just set a new record: I used the word "cheese" 28 times in this one review (now 29). Sorry, lactose intollerant people...

Olmstead County Fair and Demolition Derby – Rochester, MN

Here’s how this whole thing started: Derby Dan and his wife went to watch roller derby last year and of course fell in love with roller derby (which is nice because then Dan doesn’t have to change his fake first name). Derby Dan got laid off of work after that and decided he needed to focus his road rage onto a legal track and thought he should build a car for the demolition derby. He also thought it would be a good idea to paint the demo car the colors of The Atomic Bombshells – the league champions for the Minnesota Rollergirls in 2010.

Since D.Rough is the captain of the Atomic Bombshells, she got a message from Dan asking if the Bombshells were cool with that and maybe he’d paint their logo on the side of his car and maybe a few skaters would like to come and watch the demolition derby. D.Rough got some people on board and made it all happen. Derby Dan got some serious schwwag from the Atomic Bombshells including all the necessary permissions to paint the car orange and camo and smash it into things – it’s scary how similar roller derby and demolition derby is…

Dan invited all Atomic Bombshells in attendance to come to his family’s place in Rochester and have a pre-derby celebration/lunch. So, D.Rough, Boom, Skully, SOB, Marcus, and myself piled into two cars and headed down with some coolers full of adult beverages and Atomic Bombshell uniforms/T-shirts. Dan’s family fed us well and we hung out for a bit. Dan had some car trouble on the drive down from the Twin Cities, so he missed the family’s party all-together (which meant it was alright that I ate his portion of his family’s food – I’m sure he didn’t mind).


We headed to the county fair and walked around for a bit. It was 800 degrees outside, so nothing seemed good except shaved ice – which we had plenty of to stay hydrated.
I saw a couple of food trucks that seemed magical but frankly, it was too hot to consider eating anything of substance. There was Ice Cream Spaghetti, and the greatest idea in the entire world, Eli’s Donut Burgers – yes, a burger on a sliced donut instead of a bun with bacon and cheese. Since it was so hot outside and we were miserable, I decided I’d come back midway through the demolition derby when the sun had set a little and get one then.

We went into the pits and checked out Dan’s finished product – pre-smashing. It looked great, honestly. He did a ton of work on this and put in countless hours making it awesome. We took lots of photos with it.


Then, we sat in the grandstand with Dan’s family. All of us wearing orange and supporting Derby Dan. We were covered in mud from the other cars flinging mud into the stands. Classic white trash fun – you have to love it!

This was Dan’s first demolition derby, but he had gotten some great advice on welding together a car and making it battle-worthy. After all his car trouble and the heat and just being exhausted, Dan ended up winning his division!!!! Absolutely amazing!!! It was down to two super beat up cars, but he did it. It’s hard NOT to be a champion when you’re supporting the Atomic Bombshells (yes, I’m biased).

The best part is, we all got to be trophy girls!!!
I was handed the 5th place trophy so when I took it out onto the track to the 5th-from-the-last-car-to-die, I told the guy, “You got fifth place, so you got stuck with the ugliest of our bunch, sorry.” He replied back, “You want a kiss anyway??” Hilarious. We handed out trophies and headed back to our seats to do more sweating.




Then I headed back to Eli’s Donut Burgers only to find out they were closed up for the night. Noooooooooooooooooooooooooo.....................!!!!!!!! I was super upset and couldn’t be consoled. It ruined my night. Just kidding, it was unexpected though. The owner told me he’d be at the Steele County Free Fair in Owatonna in two weeks. I put it in my phone calendar and told him I’d be there. … I was.

Too many awesome things happened, so I can’t put together a top 5, but I’m sure the number one thing would be Derby Dan’s Atomic Bombshell car winning the event!!!!!