MMA Extreme Challenge 188 – Target Center – Minneapolis, MN

Here’s the surprising part: I won tickets to an event! Here’s the not surprising part: I won them through Taco Bell!

I will give a disclaimer that I’m likely to offend people by this review. If you’re offended, you’re probably one of the people I’m commenting on, and I offer no apology. However, the rest of the population will find it amusing, factual, and will join me in pointing fingers and laughing at you.

I got an email saying I won two tickets to the MMA Extreme Challenge 188 because I had entered some contest. So I wrote the person back basically asking, “Really???” Of course I was suspicious. But the lady assured me I could pick up tickets at the Target Center Box Office the day before. I took off a little early from work and drove downtown. You know when a bad time to go the Target Center Box Office is? Right before a Twins game – right next to the Target Center. So basically to park my car and run in to pick up the tickets was going to cost me $20. Ouch. Thankfully, a nice lady-cop helped me out and it only cost me a dollar. And no I won’t tell you how to make that happen – I’m not giving away my new found secret.

The following night, D.Rough and I headed to the Target Center after hours of deciding what to wear. How would we fit in? Is it classy like a Vegas fight? Is it wife beaters and cut-off jorts? Or is it Ed Hardy D-Bag sparkle shirts with backwards baseball hats and $200 jeans. Turns out it’s the latter.

Let me start by saying the douch-baggery started before we even got into the event. Out in the ticket window area (there were some minor mix ups in the tickets), there was a large group of people with a d-bag father who had bought a bunch of tickets for a group of his kids and his kid’s friends. The handful of tickets were given to the family in the hands of one moronically-dressed two-toned haired whore. She turned around and started handing out the tickets. We heard some of the kids say – wow, we didn’t buy $82 tickets – sweet. Then we heard the father absolutely blow up, insult the window lady, and demand a manager “who wasn’t an idiot” when he didn’t get one of the chosen few $82 tickets and didn’t think to ask his kid’s friends who got the special seats he had bought. He caused a scene and was a complete dill hole about the whole thing. I loathe people like that. L. O. A. T. H. E.

Once inside, the d-baggery continued. I felt I didn’t have enough gold and silver lamé on my shirt – mainly because I didn’t have ANY – and I wasn’t wearing a baseball hat backwards. In fact, the only people who had their hats on the proper direction were the people wearing golf hats and were clearly out of place. Also, my shirt was the proper size. I didn’t choose to wear the same size shirt as I had in Jr. High. Again, I stuck out. I also didn’t have a pencil thin chin strap beard or a soul patch, so I’m sure people thought I was in the wrong venue.

I was amazingly underwhelmed at the crowd at this thing. Seriously, there were 1,500-2000 people there, and that might be generous. The place was barren. They had half of the Target Center curtained off. HALF, and the octagon was in the middle of the floor with whores (the girls that walk around with giant cards telling you what round it is) and d-bags who had paid $200+ for ringside seats – yes, I’m serious. TWO HUNDRED DOLLARS.

The first fight had started right when we got there. They do the amateur bouts first. No knees, no elbows, three rounds. These are just regular joes who like to beat the hell out of each other. Some big, some small, some in shape, some not so much, some scrappy, some monstrous – a wide variety. On top of all this, the ring announcer was completely indecipherable. He basically yelled in a sing-song voice and we really couldn't make out any of the words he was saying. Heck, who knows - maybe the MMA has its own language, or maybe the sparkly shirts are some sort of communication translator.

This is my "Really?" face, seen most of the evening.

The people in the crowd were loud and drunk, even though there was absolutely zero energy in the air. None. I can remember watching AWA and WCW wrestling when I was a kid and despite it looking like it was filmed in someone’s basement with folding chairs, it had a million times more energy in the crowd.

But I did take the opportunity to write down verbatim what some of the drunks were yelling. Mainly because it amused the hell out of me. Here’s some select words yelled by the people around me towards the octagon:
Sock em up! Throw the right! Chop him down! 1-2-3! Shoulda kicked! Pick him up and slam him! Choke his ass out! Right in the triangle! Beat them kidneys! Make him piss blood! Keep it going! He's looking for a triangle! Put it on him! Squeeze! Drop a knee on him! Knee hook! Show him what Superior’s all about! (this was directed to a fighter from Superior, Wisconsin) Pound him! Get that leg out!

D.Rough tried to join in by yelling “neck squish!” She claims it’s a technical term. It was ineffective.

I sort of hated everything at a certain point, so I did what I do best – I went to the concession stand. I mentioned there was no one at the event, right? (1,500 doesn’t fill the Target Center if you’re wondering). I even took a picture of the concourse to show you how busy it is. Seriously, this is during the event. Even Lynx games have more people than this (I had a blast at the last Lynx game I went to, so I’m not taking a shot at them, I promise).

I grabbed a brat and some nachos for D.Rough and I to share and we listened to the concession stand worker complain about the number of people working the booths that night when there was no one there. We looked around and they were fully staffed. FULLY. Not all of the booths were open (no State Fair booth, sadly), but there were like 6 booths open and fully staffed with people literally sitting around doing nothing. All night. Sucked to be them and I felt bad.

D.Rough and I ate some of our food out in the concourse, since it was much quieter out there and no one was going to disturb us.

We went back in right before the intermission and were surprised to see abolsultely nothing going on. I’m used to real sporting events where you get some sort of entertainment during the half time space. They could have taken their cue from roller derby and maybe had little kids come out and show their MMA skillz. Yeah, show all these people that your daddies taught you to beat the hell out of someone until their unconscious – that’s fun, right?

The second half started and was the professional fighters. These guys can use their knees and elbows and they go for five minute rounds – five of them. This part just got long and boring. We had moved seats so we could sit with some of our friends who were actually into the event, but we seriously gave up after the second professional fighter round. Just not very action packed and no one was winning. There was a lot of blood though.

Some things I found amusing, besides the d-bags in the crowd:

• “In The Air Tonight” by Phil Collins is not really the best theme song to walk out to at a sporting event. It’s a real downer until about halfway through the song. Maybe he was trying to lull the crowd – sadly, they appeared already lulled.
• There is a sound played when there is ten seconds left in the round or the break between rounds. It actually is the sound of an orchestra conductor tapping his baton on the music stand to get the ensemble’s attention. Really a weird place to hear that sound.
• The tables on the main floor were for groups of ten – you HAD to buy ten tickets to get a table – and the seats were $102 each. Not surprisingly, not all of them were full.
• I found it amusing the write-ups for this event were saying this is an inferior league to UFC. People who do well in this league get tomove up to the UFC where the real fighters are at. The main event – that we missed – was between two guys who had fought each other 67 times and still weren’t in the UFC. That’s a lot of brain damage to sustain before getting to the big leagues.
• I feel like this sort of thing is one step from sending lions into the ring and watching people die. It’s not like I’m squeamish or anything. I was just bored. Maybe lions would have helped.
• There was a long-haired ginger fighting in one of the bouts. He came out wearing a karate Gi and had his hair ina pony tail. The guy had obviously never even seen the sun, once that Gi came off. The second we saw that, D.Rough said flatly, “I’ll bet he’s got a lot of ninja swords at home.” Classic, and that’s why I’m marrying her.
• We actually paid $12 for a beer at the Target Center.

My recommendation? Skip the MMA and go to a real sporting event, like Roller Derby. The Minnesota Roller Girls draw 5,000 people at their home season bouts and have a pre-show AND a half time show. All for $12. In fact, all for the price of one large beer at the Target Center.

Bad Movie Night (Valentine’s Day Theme) – West St. Paul, MN

Every Bad Movie Night we have is awesome – no matter what we show. But every once in a while, you have to show a REALLY bad movie, just to let people see what the USUAL quality of an entertaining bad movie really is. I thought I’d lower the benchmark just a little bit this time, so people didn’t get too comfortable that the movies couldn’t get worse. Oh… they can…

We had over 40 people show up to this Bad Movie Night, so I believe these things are gaining in popularity… scary thought, isn’t it?



I will explicitly divulge that it is VERY difficult to find a Valentine’s Day-themed bad movie with enough comedic awfulness to show to a crowd of people expecting to yell and groan and get belligerent without the usual stigma of yelling out loud during movies. That being said, D.Rough and I went through approximately 60 films to try to find something suitable. I came up with ZILCH – but it wasn’t for lack of trying. For example, here are a few that were potential screeners for bad movie night:

• Private Valentine: Blonde and Dangerous – Jessica Simpson acts terribly as a rich girl who signs up for the army to change her life
• Caveman’s Valentine – Samuel L. Jackson plays a swearing lunatic (not his only film where he does this)
• Valentine – Nerd boy continues to be creepy and awkward after he grows up and exacts revenge on his bullies
• My Bloody Valentine – Decent horror film remade without a lot of humor
• The Sinful Nuns of St. Valentine – LOTS of nekid lesbian nuns (why didn’t I show this again?...)
• The Hitmen Diaries: Charlie Valentine – low-budget crime movie without anything to yell at or be amused by

We ended up with The Terror of Blood Fart Lake and Hidden Beauties: The Awakening. Neither of these are Valentine-related, but the first one has “blood” in the title – which comes from a heart, and there are lots of hearts for Valentine’s Day. And the second film was basically rejected Skin-emax soft-core from the 90’s with plenty of gratuitous and silicone-filled nudity and shirtless gardners. What else could you ask for on Valentine’s Day?!

Terror of Blood Fart Lake – a group of college kids go to hang out at a cabin with their friend Hambone at Blood Fart Lake. People start disappearing in mysterious ways. Then a guy is inserted into a girl’s butt. Yeah, I told you it was weird. People were legitimately angry with me for making them watch this one. Judging by the number of death threats and middle fingers directed at me afterwards, I think it went pretty well. Hahahahaha.

Hidden Beauties: The Awakening – a wealthy lord dies shortly after proposing to three different women. The women come back as ghosts when relatives of the castle come arrive to claim their property from the housekeeper and gardener. There’s nudity in the first 30 seconds through the end of the film. What did you THINK we were going to watch? Barney?? People were less angry at me for this one, but I think some of our viewers were a bit put off by the… uh… upfront nature of this one.

Our illustrious friend EJens took some notes while watching this film. I took photos of the notes, since my scanner wasn't working. You'll learn a lot from his notes. Soon, EJens will be going through ladies like he does organic cotton socks. I'd better warn my mother.

As the crowd dwindled, we showed a portion of Deep Africa – which you don’t need to know any details of unless you like inflatable pool toys or E.T. And then when almost everyone else was gone, we showed Kinky Boots – which isn’t a bad movie at all and I actually love it.

The food was almost entirely heart-, blood-, or valentine-related. There were candy hearts, salsa (which is red), strawberry fluff, artichoke HEART dip, D.Rough’s now-famous homemade twinkie-zebra-cake mixup, Valentine’s Day Tootsie Pops, fancy giant valentine chocolate chip cookie, some chocolate, and some non-related things like Meat Dip, jalapeno Cheetos and blueberry shortcake thingies.

We also had ICP Chex Mix (yes, we DID listen to ICP while we made it – extra loud, so it was extra spicy)(also extra annoying and I think my pantlegs got larger at the bottom during the process).

We had jello-filled-jello hearts from Skully (there’s also some condensed milk in there, too).

NinjaRoll brought and decorated a bleeding-heart-with-an-arrow cake, which ruled. And then he fixed the broken dishwasher and garbage disposal during intermission – that guy is amazing!)

We also had chocolate covered strawberries, including one as large as your fist (thanks, SecretMeat).

Some amazing hand-crafted and –frosted cupcakes with sayings on them you won’t find at most bakeries…(Thanks, GingerVitus and OttoThuening) (Don’t read the cupcakes, D.Rough’s mom!!!)

But the “over and above” award goes to A-Wow for commandeering, cleaning, and cooking an actual cow heart. He made it into a stew so people would be more inclined to eat it. Frankly, the thing was pretty good. Only slightly chewier than steak, and the gravy it was in in the crock pot was delicious with the mashed potatoes he brought. Well played, A-Wow. My free-dbag-hat-I-got-from-the-minnesota-swarm goes off to you.



My friends and fellow terrible movie lovers know how to cook. They also know how to drink.

We set up a table with alcoholic beverages we’ve been trying to get rid of – you know, the ones with an inch or two of liquid left in the bottom. Huge thanks to El Jefe for stepping up to the plate and polishing off 4 of the bottles all by himself. Well done!

The movie night ended up being a relative success. We’ve had better films, but this only gives me the impetus to astound people with the next set of movies I chose for Bad Movie Night. Thanks for everyone who showed up!

[Note: I now found a decent list of films I should have tried to get my hands on but didn’t:]

• My Boyfriend’s Back
• Lover’s Lane
• Pontypool
• I Hate Valentine’s Day
• Sugar Valentine: A Pimp’s Tale
• Funny Valentine
• Valentin
• The First Valentine
• Everyday is Valentine

Bad Movie Night – Coal Valley, IL

I tricked a couple of Gerd and I’s friends, ImposterChao and Nutmeg, into hosting bad movie night in the Quad Cities on a weekend I would be home. It’s usually a potluck, so they just had to provide a cool space for us and people would bring food. Bad movie night is where a group of us sits around and watches a couple of B-movies and loudly laugh, mock, and yell along with when ridiculous things happen. We’ve done quite a number of these and always have a great time. We usually have a bigger crowd, but there was a lot going on in town this weekend so some of our regulars bowed out this time around.

We usually have a theme for the two movies and along with the theme, we ask guests to bring along some food item related to that theme. For example, we had a midget-theme one evening and everyone was asked to bring miniature food items. We had mini corn dogs, mini-bruschetta, tiny filet mignon (wrapped with tiny bacon of course), and all washed down with 8 oz sodas out of Dixie cups.

Tonight’s theme was “blood”, so people were asked to bring red or pink colored food. We had tortellini with marinara (aka blood noodles) from Grinders in Moline, IL. Party punch from my mother (to which we added rum)(sorry mom). Pink and red flavored shakes from Whitey’s Ice Cream (the best ice cream in the world). Red velvet cupcakes from our resident baker, SuperGreat. Gheyspanic brought raspberry sherbet and a bottle of vodka to make drinks and got HILARIOUS!!! (We heard about his Jonas Brothers pendant numerous times throughout the night.)

ImposterChao went crazy overboard – he loves to entertain apparently. Three different kinds of cocktail weenie sauces – A&W, Dr. Pepper, and Budweiser – in a fancy three pan heater thing. Then there was a heated nacho plate thing with an area to keep the nacho cheese warm in the center. Huge cheese and cracker plate. Two large crock pots of chili – one spicy and one mild. He just put the word “blood” in front of them to go with the theme. Hey, it’s his house, his rules.

ImposterChao and Nutmeg have an awesome house for entertaining – it’s like Wonderland East, not the least of the reasons being there is a stripper pole installed in the basement. Literally. Apparently, Nutmeg mentioned there was a stripper workout video and before the words were out of her mouth, ImposterChao was on the phone ordering the DVD, shipping a stripper pole and rubber matting for the floor, and calling a friend to help install it within the hour. Sadly, ImposterChao almost lost one of his “boys” when he thought he’d give the thing a spin without watching the video first. Nutmeg was really quite good at the said workout machine, and ImposterChao had placed folding chairs around the pole (I’m dead serious). This is why I love ImposterChao. SuperGreat also gave the pole a spin (twss) and turned out to be quite the prodigy as well. A great applause came from those seated at the folding chairs. I didn’t see any dollar bills exchanged though – probably a good thing. Also ImposterChao has this plaque with boobs on it that he’s VERY proud of. It’s basically one of those singing fish things you hang on the wall, but it’s boobs, so it’s MUCH more mature and funny…. Or is it?



Blood Car was a huge hit except for a few scenes that I forgot to warn people about. I did put out the disclaimer in the e-mail invite about the cruelty to cute furry animals and also the wee bit of blood spewing all over the place, but apparently, I forgot the water sports scene, the fish-shaped oven mitts, and the cruelty to kindergartners scenes – all of which horrified people. My apologies. But it was the best movie of the night. It really was a winner. Lots of places for all of us to yell.

Bikini Bloodbath was not as much of a hit, but it had potential. Really campy acting and gratuitous nudity on women over thirty playing high school girls. The best part is the actors are wearing shirts that say what their part is in the film. Not their name so much, but all of the football players have shirts that say “football player” on them. I still think it’s hilarious, but obviously Blood Car was the winner of the night.I will preview the sequel which I also own - Bikini Bloodbath Carwash. I'm assuming it's equally awesome. It might show up at a Bad Movie Night eventually.

Everyone had a great time. Only one drink was knocked over and that was totally my fault (sorry about that). Only one person needed a ride home – and wow, did he need a ride home (in multiple senses of the phrase). I’ve got another bad movie night scheduled for the Minneapolis area, so I’ll be hosting a bunch of crazy people at my house in august for a similar event.

Top 5 things about Bad Movie Night
1. Blood Car
2. ImposterChao has a STRIPPER POLE INSTALLED IN HIS BASEMENT FOR HIS WIFE!
3. The chili… er, I mean “Blood Chili” ImposterChao made was really good and spicy
4. Mom’s party punch kicked up a notch or four
5. I really needed this entertainment as I had a really rough day (thanks, you guys)

Bottom 5 things
1. Gerd loved Bad Movie Night and all of these people that usually go to it
2. I totally punted Coach’s drink (that’s not code for anything ghey, I actually kicked over his drink)
3. Apparently, Gheyspanic’s glass of vodka with a tiny scoop of raspberry sherbet was undrinkable to anyone except Gheyspanic, who had multiple glasses (and then enjoyed a ride to the bar after the party) (and then enjoyed –not as much- a trip to the ER after falling at said bar)
4. Some of our regulars bailed on us (not mad, I’m just saying you were missed)
5. People were WAAAAY more upset when puppies got shot with a BB gun that they were when kindergarten children were shot execution-style. What is WRONG with you people?!?!

Fogo de Chao – Minneapolis, MN

Gerd and I had arranged to have a quintuple date before Roller Derby with some of our friends. I decided to go through with it and keep the date since a lot of our friends had never eaten there and were looking forward to it. I think it was the right decision.

For those of you unfamiliar with Fogo de Chao, here’s the jist of the thing: Fogo is a Brazilian Steakhouse with a twist – they bring out hunks of meat on swords and cut it onto your plate – and it’s unlimited. You have a coaster with one side green and one side red. If you want more meat, you flip it to green and the waiters show up with meat swords. When you’re good on meat, you flip it to red – it’s all about timing. They also have an immense salad bar which is more than iceberg lettuce and dressing – it’s all kinds of vegetables and meats and randomness. On top of this, the wait staff brings out unlimited cheesy mashed potatoes, fried polenta, and fried bananas. It’s heaven, really.

We had reservations at 4:30pm but didn’t start eating until closer to 5. When I looked at my watch, it was close to 7 and we had to get to roller derby. So we ate meat for 2 solid hours without breaks. It was an immense amount of food. All of the meats were especially tender and whether you got chicken, pork, beef, or lamb, you were going to be happy with it. I think everyone had their own favorite (none of which are pronounceable), so there wasn’t a way to pick one over the others.

The place is pricey, but if you consider your dollar to meat intake ratio, I think you’ll be pleased. The drinks are a tad overpriced, but you get that at downtown Minnie restaraunts anyway. The service is top notch, and I think everyone in the group was very impressed and talking about when they’d be back.

Top 5 things about Fogo de Chao
1. Unlimited meat
2. Meat on swords
3. Salad bar and everything on it
4. Super service
5. Fried polenta

Bottom 5 things
1. Gerd would have loved this place
2. A tad pricey
3. The place gets packed, so get reservations
4. I don’t believe in meat overload, but this may be as close as it gets
5. It took much longer to eat 50+oz of meat than I thought it would

www.fogodechao.com

Corpsekitten's Xmas card

So I got what basically amounts to an Arctic mob threat in the mail.
Supposedly, the hand-crafted card lost some glue adhesion in trasit, but I think we all know what it means.

Thanks for the warning, Corpsekitten...

Minnesota Roller Girls – Roy Wilkins Auditorium – St. Paul, MN

This summer, I went to Seattle for a nerd convention (don’t ask) and while there, got to see my friend Nina do/play/participate in (what adjective is the right one!!!???) roller derby. It was super awesome. Like many guys, I went to see how women on roller skates knocking each other down (and because I was always fascinated by the hot pants and gold lamme back in the 70’s when it was on tv). However, once you know the rules and scoring system, the whole thing makes perfect sense and I was yelling like an idiot along with everyone else. Nina came to visit us this summer and we drove her to her traveling team’s bout in Milwaukee – yes, these people are dead serious about this sport. Gerd and I had a great time. And kind of got hooked…

So the season opener for the Minnesota Roller Girls was this past weekend. We knew we were going and we got the added benefit of having Coach and Toach come up from Illinois to visit us and watch roller derby. We especially knew we were going when we found out the bout was a “zombies vs pirates” theme. For background, Minneapolis does this zombie pub crawl which a few thousand people attend – hilarious.

The roller derby people adopted it and got fans to dress like their favorite. Then the zombie vs pirate bout consisted of rookie roller girls to give them some competitive track time. Great idea and tons of fun. And yes, Nina, I did wear my Rockets shirt from your Seattle team…

The first bout was zombies vs pirates. Great fun, and great action. The girls are hard workers and you can see they’re way engaged and also way green. Some skating mishaps and hilarity ensued. If you get a penalty, you skate to the penalty box and since there aren’t brakes, you slide into the box on your knees (ba-dum-bum). When the adrenaline is up, sometimes they skate in there too fast and fly over the chairs and ropes and into the crowd. Hilarious (and yes, dangerous of course – but whatever).

Second bout was the MN Roller Girls (MNRG) vs the North West Arkansas (NWA) somebodyorothers. These are the skilled girls with experience and a super competitive nature. It was amazing watching them skate VERY skillfully and avoid getting boxed out by the blockers. Two girls really stood out: Jawbreaker and Suzy Smashbox. Both from different MN teams, but since it was an all-star match, they were on the same team. They really tore it up.

Between halves, and ELO tribute band, name E.L.No, played for the crowd of like 2,500 people. Everybody out on the track getting crazy. It was a great time. They were really good musicians and were able to pull off a couple of really difficult songs (while Coach screamed requests from the balcony where we were seated).

The third bout was the second half of the zombies vs pirates. They were evenly matched and looked like they were slowly getting their skills together. Fun to watch and the announcers were very amusing with their one-liners and double-entendres.

The night ended with the second half of the MNRG vs NWA. NWA skated better than they did in the first half, but still got their asses handed to them by like 112 points. It was kind of a slaughter, but you could tell they were trying. They didn’t give up (like I would have done), and there wasn’t a run-rule where they just call the game, so they stuck it out.

Seriously, if you get a chance, go watch roller derby in your own home town or come up here to visit us and we’ll take you to a bout. MNRG has four teams, and of course, we picked our favorite team based on the color of uniforms, not based on which one had either Suzy Smashbox or Jawbreaker on it. Gerd is a Cubs fan, so she’s used to cheering for a losing team (burn)…

Top 5 things about MN Roller Girls
1. Girls on skates wearing tights and knee-high socks (come on, seriously)
2. 2,500 fans watching
3. Zombies vs Pirate theme - brilliant
4. Skating is now an actual sport in my mind
5. Girls flying into the crowd periodically
(I could make this list 15 things long if I wanted to…)

Bottom 5 things
1. Parking isn’t the greatest (or cheapest)
2. It’s hard to find the actual entrance to The Roy
3. Seemed like a long night of roller derby
4. My Seattle roller derby friends weren’t there to help cheer
5. My throat and head hurt from all the yelling I did (yeah, I’m one of those people)

http://www.mnrollergirls.com

Park Nicollet Methodist Hospital ER - St. Louis Park, MN

Chao and I spent a few hours of our Labor Day weekend in the Emergency Room at Methodist Hospital. I couldn't breathe without a sharp pain in my chest and if I laughed or coughed or inhaled deeply I yelled involuntarily like someone with Tourette's. I finally figured out after awhile that I could pull off a small laugh,which Chao pointed out sounded like Peter Griffin. Of course this made me laugh harder and then yell again. I had been to the convenient care doctor earlier and after a negative chest x-ray and a normal EKG, they sent me home to await blood test results. The doctor called later and told me I should go to the Emergency Room because the test for blood clots came back abnormal.


We headed to the ER and they took me behind the curtain to triage me. Apparently breathing problems are serious so othey took me back right away and I didn't have time to tell Chao I was headed back. They asked me some questions, took vitals, and I asked them if Chao could come back with me and they said they would go get him. Meanwhile they were going to put an IV in because they were planning to do a chest CT scan and they needed the IV to inject the contrast dye. I have been told that being somewhat of a redhead sometimes involves having small veins that are hard to find. Lately, when I have had blood drawn, they have had to use my hand veins because they are superior to my arm veins. However, for a chest CT they have to use an arm vein. The ER nurse tried twice to get a vein and couldn't. She packed my arms with warm packs to aid the process and this was about the time Chao showed up. He sat with me for a few minutes until the IV specialist arrived to give my veins a go. Chao opted to sit in the hallway as he doesn't appreciate needles. The IV specialist tried several times to get a vein, even making use of a sonogram to try and find one. Other ER staff would poke their heads in to see if I had been IVed yet. I was becoming quite the celebrity. I never knew that sticking me with a needle could be a spectator sport. This specialist eventually gave up and called another IV specialist to try. The third person was eventually the charm as she did end up threading a vein but at this point I can't tell you how many stabs I suffered but I can show you how my arm looks now (keep in mind this is only one arm - the other is not as impressive):
At this point, after over an hour of being stabbed with a needle, I was wheeled up to have the CT scan. They told me I would feel warm, have a metallic taste in my mouth and would feel like I have to pee. This was 100% true. It was kind of cool. After that test I was wheeled back downstairs. My nurse was going to take the IV out but I stopped her. I asked if there was absolutely any way I was going to possibly need another IV later if we could just leave that one in. She hesitiated and then agreed to leave it for awhile. I bet people don't normally request to have IV's left in longer than necessary but I knew there was no way I could go through that ordeal again. Chao and I were then left to wait for the results and were checked in on by a hot hospitality dwarf. Seriously though, we both agreed that Alyssa was the hottest dwarf we have ever seen. Then, maybe 15 minutes later, the doctor came back in and told me that I did not have a blood clot, but instead had pneumonia. Way more favorable.



Top 5:
1. Super nice hospital staff.
2. Hot dwarf.
3. They didn't kill me despite their best efforts.
4. I didn't have to wait on them (other than the IV thing) and they had estimated wait times posted.
5. They provided Chao with a chair and water.

Bottom 5:
1. I was their pin cushion for over an hour.
2. I saw lots of my own blood which shouldn't have been the case as I was there for lung problems.
3. There were lots of police escorting people around for whatever reason.
4. No TV's in the rooms.
5. The ventilation system kept running randomly and was loud.

http://www.parknicollet.com/Methodist/