Saturday, June 9, 2012

Dr. Pepper 10 – Eden Prairie, MN

I’ll admit, I was amused (and only a little bit horrified) by the ads for Dr. Pepper’s newest creation: TEN. It explicitly says it is NOT for women. Sure that excludes a whole portion of the world’s population, but it’s ok! Based on research the company did, women proudly drink diet sodas, while men are afraid of being made fun of by their peers for drinking diet sodas (I’ve never seen this, but whatever). They kept in some of the sugar in the recipe, but enough that it still had 10 calories. That’s TEN times more manly calories than many diet sodas that women drink. So BADASS!!!! (I’m ooooozing with sarcasm, in case you hadn’t noticed)

I thought I’d check it out at work, since I could hide in my cube and dump it out if it sucked, and also so my “empowered” and lovely wife wouldn’t talk shit while I drank it – while flexing – in front of her. I gave it a couple of cautious sips. I’m not sure why I was cautious, but maybe I was afraid it would be riddled with testosterone and I’d kick a hole through my office wall and wrestle a janitor or something. Nope, nothing of the sort. And it truly tastes JUST like Dr. Pepper. I don’t think it matter what sort of equipment you’re operating in your swimsuit area – it’s delicious.

What the researchers may not have factored in was WHERE people might drink this Dr. Pepper TEN. For example, I’m now embarrassed to be seen drinking it at work by any of the 1,000 ladies in my office for fear of being seen as a d-bag. Will they worry I’ll punch them on the stomach and spit on them while they’re curled up in a ball and roid-roar “IT’S NOT FOR WOMEN!!!”? (probably not) Even so, I’m still going to bury the empty bottle in my garbage can under papers when I leave the office, just so no one mistakes me for THAT guy. Are you supposed to drink it around other guys? Is it a church drink? Is it a sporting event/NASCAR drink? Is it a kid’s soccer game drink? Is it a women’s lib rally drink? Will astronauts drink it? Are they unloading pallets of this stuff at men’s prisons? I have sooo many questions to ask Dr. Snapple if I run into him.

Again, I’m not condoning beverage-segregation, but if that’s what the research says is the target market, then I have to go with it. I’ll try to refrain from punching any ladies though. (Though I do want to go home and put on a wife-beater and sit in the yard yelling about things not being for women... Until my wife gets home and knocks me into next week.)

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