Monday, March 31, 2014
Saturday, March 29, 2014
Friday, March 28, 2014
I saw the new Noah movie last night with M.Giant. We really saw this film to compare it to the last Noah’s Ark movie, which we forced large groups of people to watch for Bad Movie Nights in multiple states. While this film features some pretty A- list actors (Russell Crowe, Jennifer Connolly, Emma Watson, Anthony Hopkins), it isn’t the acting the holds this film back. It’s the story line and special effects that doom this particular version.
Here are some of the things you’ll see, if you decide to watch this movie. Director Darren Aranofsky made some serious leaps in this film in what is probably more “poetic license” than the religious die-hards that make up most of its audience will be comfortable with. It’s as if he never read the story and someone gave him the point A and point B of the film. God floods the earth because it is full of evil people. Then there’s a rainbow at the end. In fact, there’s no mention of “God” in the movie, only “the creator”. There’s no mention of 40 days and nights. No mention of cubits and that Noah was supposed to be 500 years old, while his kids are about 100 years old. There’s a lot left out, but since the director is an atheist, you have to cut him some slack, right?
- There were multiple “Claritin clear” moments
- There’s a glowing snakeskin which has magical powers
- There are glowing rocks that burst into flame when you hit them with a knife or throw them into a boat – they might be called Zohan
- Welding masks come in handy when trying to build weapons to take over an ark
- There were rock monsters (just like the ones from Lord of the Rings – or more closely related to the original Clash of the Titans film)
- In the movie there is a 35-day gestation period for a fetus, though there isn’t any mention of the 40 days of rain and then 150 days of floating - so if you account for that, it’s at least closer
- 500 year old Noah gets to hang out with his grandfather Methuselah
- There are two trees in the Garden of Eden, not one, as per the bible. Adam and Eve are only allowed to eat fruit from one of them. In the movie, this becomes tricky because the trees are intertwined! How can you be sure you're eating from the right tree? Maybe this is the director's way of saying it could have been a "whoops" situation and not a shift-woman-trick situation. Also, WHY ARE ADAM AND EVEN IN MY NOAH MOVIE?!?!
- Women CONTINUE to be blamed for ruining everything in life and stepping between man and God’s plan. Not just in the Garden of Eden. It isn’t even subtle any more
- I’m not convinced Mickey Rourke isn’t Tubal-Cain – Noah’s enemy in the film (which is even more comical because there IS a wrestler named Cain)
- Hollywood needs to get better educated on how to make individual CGI birds. Flocks and flocks of birds they do alright, but not individual birds
- I had to wait until the end of the movie for stock animal footage from National Geographic
- Noah was drunk in the original man cave
- I still waited for Anthony Hopkins to tell Noah’s wife he could smell her aunt with a C [Which MommasBoy just reminded me wasn't said by Hopkins. It was his cell neighbor and Hopkins just comments on it.]
- There were serious rocket launchers in Noah’s time
- Noah had a flare gun to get God’s attention in a maritime emergency
- I, like Noah, also scream “HAAAAAMMMM!!!!!” periodically
- There were armor-plated dogs in Noah’s time. Maybe they didn’t make it onto the ark. Bummer
- Why did Noah grab the broken arrow from the armor-plated dog when he had a HUGE KNIFE
- The producers tied evolution VERY nicely into the creationism montage – sneaky (because they know scientists are right)
- Cain killing Abel turned into a montage of other war killings (Civil War, Spanish-American War, World War I & II, etc.)
- Whenever Noah would look up at the sky for God’s advice, I’d hear Yukon Cornelius’ voice saying, “NNNNNNuthin’!” every time
- Noah kills SOOOO many people. I don’t remember that in the bible
- When they panned out to show the entire earth, it was entirely covered in hurricane cloud swirls, ensuring Al Roker’s head would explode
- There was an island of misfit toys and everyone is whining on it
- Noah appears to be wearing a double-stitched denim biker vest in much of the movie
- Rocks are secretly angels
- In the previews, there was one religious movie and then a whole bunch of ridiculous CGI films like the new Transformers movie. Noah thinks VERY highly of its own CGI renderers
- It looks like there is an oil pipeline behind the zohan mine
- The D-bag next to me couldn’t understand British accents and would keep saying, “huh?” loudly (he didn’t have an insidevoice/whisper)…. And then he would loudly make out with his girlfriend
- Only non-humans are knocked out by the magic sleepy smoke
- Shem’s wife has twin girls so Shem’s brothers could have someone to have sex with
- Noah has hundred of iron cauldrons for boiling boat tar. Where did they come from and who made them?
- An early pregnancy test involved spitting on a leaf – if it glows, you’re pregnant
- Where did Cain’s army get corrugated steel panels for barricades?!
- Cain snuck onto Noah’s ark and had a porthole to look out that he plugged up every once in a while. Then, Cain died when the ark landed
- Where did the really big chains come from?
- No one ever explains the water creatures. Are they all shifted to salt water for a few weeks?
- The title should have been Carnivores vs. Vegetarians
It was silent after the movie ended. Dead silent. Then someone said quietly, “…Well, THAT wasn’t right.” She said it in all seriousness and that's what made it so funny.
Based on the 1999 verison of Noah’s Ark, I was really disappointed there were no fingers in any jars, or orgies, or dinosaur bones, or God’s voice, or songs about kitchen sinks, or peddlers, or water battles, or hats, or flaming rats, or 2x4’s.
I found myself laughing through much of this movie, I must admit. I mean, the director even made a comment about it being the least biblically accurate bible movie ever made in an interview. It is really going after the special effects crowd, which I should have known when they ran tons of trailers during The Walking Dead. Sadly, the special effects were pretty average. I apologize for throwing so many spoilers at you all, but most of us know the story from Sunday School. And you too might be better off just sticking with the high points.
- 2 of every creature.
For my money, I’ll continue to push the 1999 version of Noah’s Ark on people. Where else can you see pirates trying to take over the ark and a koala bear poop on Mary Steenburgen?
Thursday, March 27, 2014
And, there wasn’t a line, either.
Wednesday, March 19, 2014
D.Rough has been to ALL of the events, but this is only my second. I was super excited based on the events at the last one. And as a bonus, we got to hang with D.Rough’s cousin Nolan, which we need to do more of, apparently.
I can’t possibly get into all the details of what transpired, but I’ll give you some rough overviews and hope that is enough to convince you to go to this thing next time it’s in town. Don’t think of it as wrestling, where you point out how fake everything is. Think of it as a huge party where some guys beat up on each other and you get to yell wildly inappropriate things at people standing ten feet from you.
Monday, March 17, 2014
Top 5 things about 112 Eatery
1. Cauliflower fritters
2. 112 Burger
3. Right-sized menu (with awesome selections)
4. Duck and radicchio salad
5. Open until midnight during the week and 1am on weekends!
Bottom 5 things
2. The hostess stand is past the bar on the first floor and then you are advised to go up the elevator – just a little odd
3. The parking ramp I parked in closed at 8pm Friday until the following Monday. D.Rough made a few calls and got the security desk to let me into the parking ramp the following day. Bitter.
4. I’m bummed we didn’t ask for more of the bread basket
Saturday, March 15, 2014
Once our friends arrived, we pretended like everything was all bright and new and we had just gotten there. It’s like two separate happy hours!!!! I ordered the lychee-tini that I had my eye on earlier, and D.Rough got a pinot grigio.
Top 5 things about Origami Sushi (Uptown)
1. Takoyako – octopus dumplings
2. Substantial happy hour menu
3. Very friendly staff
4. Futo Maki roll
5. There’s a parking ramp above it and a parking lot right outside (both cost dollars, but are close)
Bottom 5 things
1. We ordered all the things that taste the same (delicious, but the same)
2. The Chu-hai wasn’t very boozy
3. The restaurant isn’t visible from the main street – you have to mean to go there
4. Nothing else was a down-side
Thursday, March 13, 2014
I needed about 90% of the burgers on the list, but finally decided on the B-52. It’s got roasted jalapenos, banana peppers, pepper jack cheese, chipotle mayo, and B-52 sauce. I saw they had “the Mother of All Burgers” on the menu, which is a pile of stuff with 2 pounds of burger between a giant bun, but I wasn’t in the mood to die this particular evening. I also decided on sweet potato fries, since I’m always a big fan.
The sweet potato fries were great. They had good seasoning to them and were not floppy, nor crispy. Perfectly cooked. The seasoned mayo/sour cream that came with to dip made everything that much better, also. It was difficult to not blow through the small-ish container they gave me, but next time, I will ask for two. There are a lot of fries, and I hate holding back on my fry coverage.
Overall, I had a pretty darn good meal here. The server made sure I was well taken care of and didn’t even mock me for coming in solo. Looking around, I wasn’t the only one. I’m looking forward to heading back to this place before or after a movie sometime. Maybe on a Friday night when they have the fish fry or when they have some awesome mac and cheese special. It’s worth the trip from the Downtown area, if that’s where you’re at. Lots of things to choose from. But again, be forewarned, this place is a sport bar on crack.
Top 5 things about B-52 Burgers and Brew
1. Sweet potato fries and dip (amount and flavor)
2. B-52 burger
3. Really good menu with a lot of options
4. Really friendly staff
5. If you like sports, I’ll give you the fifth slot on the Top 5
Bottom 5 things
1. If you don’t like sports, I’ll give you the number 1 spot on the Bottom 5
2. It’s realllly dark in there
3. visually distracting with all the televisions showing every sport in the known universe
4. The B-52 war-time imagery that the place is named for is very much lost on the walls due to the televisions
5. Lackluster beer menu, considering “brew” is in its name
Friday, March 7, 2014
D.Rough and I have tried to find a solid Chinese restaurant near our house, so we've been trying a handful of different places. We've found a few that had one or two awesome items, but nothing wonderful across the board. I was working from home when I remembered I had to try this one particular place and give it a shot. Lucky China claims to be serving both Chinese and Korean dishes, so I was looking forward to that.
The inside is nice and clean and the hostess and servers were all quite nice and talkative. When I got the menu, I was bummed to see a severe lack of Korean food on the menu. I was hoping for some Bi Bim Bop or Beef Bulgogi, but it wasn't too be had. I went the traditional Chinese cuisine route. (I later found on their website that they have a separate Korean food menu, so you either have to ask for it when you go there or know ahead of time what you're going to order - NOW I know!)
I was, however, amused to see this typo on the menu. The Teriyaki Chicken apparently is slices of beef. No major deal, but it did make me laugh while I was trying to decide what I was going to eat.
The lunches come with a bowl of soup, so I got the egg drop soup. There are two different styles of egg drop soup. One with a bothy consistency, and one with a more snot-like consistency (sorry for the graphic description). The one at Lucky China was about half way between these two styles. It was pretty tasty, in fact. One of the better egg drop soups I've had.
I got the Hot Pepper Chicken, which said on the menu it was spicy. I was suspicious of that claim, but ordered it anyway. It was quite a serious amount of food and served on a bed of fried rice. Lots of green pepper, carrots, onions, mushrooms, and celery mixed in with the pieces of chicken. The sauce was really flavorful, but wasn't spicy, by any stretch. I would, for sure, order this dish again (but I'd ask them to kick up the heat a little bit - it is really Minnesota-spicy).
Based on the crab rangoon, the soup, and the flavor of the dish, I'll be looking forward to the next time D.Rough wants Chinese food. I know where we'll be going. Thanks for the awesome lunch!
Top 5 things about Lucky China
1. Hot Pepper Chicken
2. Super friendly workers
3. Pretty comprehensive menu, especially now that I know about the Korean menu
4. Crab Rangoons
5. Egg Drop Soup
Bottom 5 things
1. I didn't think there was Korean dishes on the menu, but there are secret ones
2. Food does have MSG in it, but the server said it could be made without on request
3. Couple of minor typos on the menu, which don't really matter
4. Nothing else
Wednesday, March 5, 2014
Sorry I've been out of touch for a while. I've been laying low trying to save money for D.Rough and my trip to The Bahamas!!!! It was to celebrate our birthdays and Valentine's Day and Christmas and any other holiday you can think of.
We got to drive personal bubble subs!
We went to an island covered with iguanas and fed them grapes!
We went to the RumBahamas Rum Festival in an old timey military fort!
I even got to drive on the wrong side of the road! All in all, we had an absolutely wonderful time in The Bahamas and I wouldn't have changed any of it!