Republic Ranch – Dallas, TX

One of our regular activities while attending a roller derby tournament anywhere in the world is to find a tiki bar. Sometimes, they’re good, sometimes, they’re bad, but there’s always rum and fruit juices, so that’s good. I read a few articles about Dallas being severely lacking in the tiki department, but word on the street is that one of them had opened up recently - Pilikia. We decided to take a Lyft 30 minutes downtown and check it out.

…. And, then we were promptly turned away at the door because there is a dress code. The REALLY nice gentleman bouncer who wouldn’t let us past the ropes was very nice and apologetic and even jovial, but it was clear we weren’t getting anywhere near their Rum Runners and Giggle Punch. As it turns out, this place isn’t so much a tiki bar as it is a tiki-themed night club. Who knew there was such a thing.

Dejected, but optimistic, our group walked down the street and found a nice looking bar called the Republic Ranch. It wasn’t busy in the main restaurant part of the room, so we pulled up to the bar and ordered some drinks. The tiki-est drinks we could think of. The bar tender gave it his best shot and provided us with a couple of drinks that were tasty, but had zero juice in them. They did have these boozy sun-shaped lime garnishes that I hope my wife doesn’t ever force me to make for our drinks. They also have some sort of boozy slushy machine behind the bar containing something called the Drunk Tank – Shotty got one of those and confirmed that it DID, in fact, have a shitload of booze in it.

We had good conversation with the bartender, who was pretty rad. He said there were some parties going on all day and people were in the back. We didn’t know what that meant, but every five or ten minutes, we’d see someone literally staggering out from the back room and out the front doors. Like zombie-style incapacitated. The bartender just rolled his eyes and laughed. He said some folks had been back there all day hitting it hard. We poked our head around the corner to the back room and it looked like an empty wedding banquet room. All white chair covers and table cloths, but no one was in there. We saw a door at the back, but didn’t venture back that far. But the steady flow of obliterated people continued. We assumed they were coming out of some hidden entrance to drunk town, but never stopped to check it out.

We ordered more drinks. I got a mai tai and the bar tender looked up a recipe. I got this blue drink, which I’ve never had in mai tai form before. Thankfully, it was delicious, so I drank it all.

At one point, a girl came out from “the back” (which we still didn’t know what that really meant), and she was not in good shape. The hostess, who was an absolute dear, realized she needed help when she tried to get an Uber and typed in “home” for the destination. The hostess suggested that the Uber driver might NOT want to drive the girl all the way to Houston. Hahaha. So the drunk girl then typed in “hotel”, which apparently will not take you to the right hotel – just to you know for the future. It will take you to a random hotel, and whatever is first on the list in Uber. Hilarious. The hostess patiently helped this girl through the Uber process and miraculously got her into an Uber headed somewhere. I hope that girl made it.

So we ordered more drinks. I got a vodka pineapple just so I could pretend I went to a tiki bar, and it was tasty. But still not the same. Again, the bartender was cracking wise with us by that point and making sure we all had a good time. We continued to laugh at the people who tried to leave under their own power and ended up leaning on the back of our barstools for balance as they settled up their tabs. It was pretty amazing.

Just as we were about to leave, there was a hubbub in “the back” and our bartender, another bartender, a cook, and someone I think nicknamed “Fried Jesus” (possibly the owner) ran to help this belligerent fellow being “escorted” to the sidewalk. The workers handled it like pro, despite the drunk guy throwing punches and knocking people’s glasses off their faces. They got this guy out the door and he disappeared. All of the workers came back in and apologized for the disruption – I’m pretty sure they assumed we were leaving because of the altercation, not because of the late hour and stomachs full of booze. We assured them we had a great night and told them we’d be back if we were in town again. Really good folks at this place.

[Editor’s addendum: I looked at this place’s website and now I’m extremely upset about two things.

1. The food here looks absolutely magical. It’s a real bummer that we didn’t try to eat dinner here before our “show”. The menu looks great and all of the reviews of this place are really encouraging, as are all the photos of the food.

2. Shotty and OtherNick, be prepared to throw your computer across the room when you read this next part. Ready?... … … … … … … THERE IS A GODDAMN POOL IN “THE BACK” AREA.   A POOOOOOOOOOOOL!!!!!!! Why didn’t the bartender even think to mention that to us?? Now we really will have to go back there to fully capitalize on “the back” area. AAAGGGHHHHHHH!!!!!!! I’m not sure this is why people were leaving on non-functioning legs, but it’s definitely possible. We have to find out. HAVE TO!]

Honestly, we didn’t expect much from this place, especially after being shamed for wearing tiki-appropriate attire and not being allowed access to our intended destination, but Republic Ranch delivered so much more than we expected. It was really fun, and ALL of the staff were friendly and happy we were there. Thank you for a great time!!

www.republicranchdallas.com