Meat Mountain: Arby’s Off-Menu Monstrosity – Eden Prairie, MN

If you didn’t read about #1Fan and my past off-menu culinary adventure, you should – The Air, Land, and Sea Burger. #1Fan and I decided we needed to do a similar stunt and, since neither of us had an insurance-related biometric screening scheduled anytime soon…. we thought we would go get a Meat Mountain. I know this sandwich is sooooo 2014, but I haven’t tried it yet. To quote #1Fan’s bastardization of George Mallory’s quote, “This time we're scaling the uncharted heights of the meat mountain, BECAUSE IT’S THERE."

When we ordered the Meat Mountain, the counter kid didn’t even bat an eye. Probably totally over it by now. I love that it is actually an item in their computer system (even if it isn’t actually on their printed menu). For those of you not familiar with the Meat Mountain, it’s every meat they have in the restaurant on one bun. With two slices of cheese for color.

• 2 chicken tenders
• 1.5 oz. of roast turkey
• 1.5 oz. of ham
• 1 slice of Swiss cheese
• 1.5 oz. of corned beef
• 1.5 oz. brisket
• 1.5 oz. of Angus steak
• 1 slice of cheddar cheese
• 1.5 oz. roast beef
• 3 half-strips of bacon
• 1 bun

That’s a serious sammich, my friends.

And yes, we got curly fries and some of their new house-made parmesan potato chips. And DIET sodas.

When the sandwich came out, I laughed because the counter people are handing out two-inch-high wrapped sandwich after sandwich and then ours came out - it was like three times taller than everyone else’s sandwich. That’s when you puff your chest up and shoulder your way to the counter to pick up your macho lunch tray.

Doesn't look that big, you say?

First off, this thing is waaaaaaay bigger than you can fit into your mouth. Since humans fail miserably in the separate-your-jaw-to-eat category, you have to tackle this with some strategy: Top to bottom? Bottom to top? Layer by layer? With a fork (not recommended because you were already ballsy enough to order this sandwich – why wuss out now)? I went top to bottom then bottom to top.

Second, this thing may have a few milligrams of salt in it. Just be ready for that. I can’t help you there. Even if you put sauce on it, all of the sauces are sodium heavy. Maybe mayo might be the trick.

Third, this sandwich could use some lubrication. See #2 for the salt-caveat.

Fourth, the things it DOES have going for it are the flavor and the texture. Flavor-wise, it’s fantastic. I suppose only if you’re not a vegetarian, however – in that case, you’ve given up all joy anyway. But honestly, the meats actually tasted different from each other and the texture of each meat still kind of showed through in each bite. The best part are the chicken tenders that are on there. A really pleasant crunchy bite was fun in the mix. Much better than I even expected it to be.

I think you’ll be happy with yourself if you order one of these. Don’t look for it on the menu, it isn’t there. It’s a “secret menu item”, remember? You just have to ask for it by name. And then, immediately after you find yourself HAPPY with your decision, you’ll find yourself (or your spouse) REALLY angry with yourself.

Note, I would also recommend NOT eating this if you happen to be in a rush to get back to a meeting at work. I think forcing down that many pounds of meat was the most difficult part. It certainly wasn’t the curly fries. Just saying, you’re going to want to savor this thing with each bite. Consider postponing your meeting or do what I did – warn them you’re going to be late for your 1pm meeting. And sleepy. And smell like meat. And groaning periodically.

#1Fan remains a champion amongst men when it comes to food consumption. He had finished his sandwich and was tapping his foot hurrying me along before I had conquered the Meat Mountain completely. A most impressive showing.