The Great Rib Fiasco of 2009

My apologies for the length of this thing... (TWSS)

As some of you know, HotGirlsBrother and I are on the hunt to find the best ribs in the Twin Cities, so we have had a Rib Night scheduled for a few weeks. EnyaFace! recommended we go to Scott Ja-Mammas for some good ribs, so that was the plan. Now I’ll get into the fiasco part.

As background, I dropped my new BlackBerry Storm two nights ago. Apparently, they’re not made to withstand high impact, because none of the pieces I picked up off the hardwood floors seemed to get any reception. So I’m without phone (don’t have a landline), I’m without txt capability (that’s how HotGirlsBrother and I generally communicate), I’m without addresses or phone numbers, and I’m without GPS. I’m waiting for my replacement to arrive today, but it’s still not here yet. Sigh.

I send HotGirlsBrother an e-mail saying my phone ‘sploded and he assured me this would not hinder our quest for ribs. We communicated a few times (yes, while I was at work) and made the necessary arrangements to meet at Scott Ja-Mammas.

I arrived at SJM a few minutes early (I was anxious I guess). I pulled up and saw the sign said it was closed. I saw lights on inside, so I assumed they forgot to switch the sign or something. I walked up to the door and it was locked, but the guy inside came and opened the door. He asked if I had called in an order. I said Nope. He apologized and said they were closed for the night and on their way to the hospital for emergency surgery. I assured him it was no problem and he kept apologizing. He looked harried, so I’m assuming it was family of some sort – Family first, I always say. So I sat out on the steps to wait for HotGirlsBrother. The guy with the call in order showed up and as the owner was leaving, he apologized again. Again, I assured him it wasn’t a problem and I’d be back.

With no phone to call anyone, I sat outside and waited and watched the crazees walk past to the gas station for bags of M&M’s. Must have been a special, because I saw multiple people walking out with them. Weird. Anyway, HotGirlsBrother and Low-Vee pulled up and saw me sitting. I hopped in their car and quickly explained the situation. Plan B was now to drive to Capp’s for ribs. Hooray!!! We drove a short while and HotGirlsBrother said, “Why are you riding with us? Now we’ll have to come back for your car.” So we drove back and dropped me off at my car. I had to follow them because I had no GPS (what the hell did I do for driving 5 months ago when I had never touched a GPS?). Apparently there were many missed turns and wrong lanes and cutting off other drivers, but I stayed close and we made it to Capp’s via the scenic route.

We roll inside and the guy greets us and says, “We’re still on winter hours so we closed at 8.” You could hear the Incredible Hulk theme music as HotGirlsBrother pounded the door as he stormed out of the building. Are you kidding me? HotGirlsBrother immediately calls Ted Cook’s 19th Hole BBQ and demands to know if they were open. They were, but they only had 4 slabs of ribs left, so we’d better get here fast. We raced to our cars and I made sure I tailed Low-Vee’s car the whole way there.

We got there and there were more than a few people inside, likely ordering OUR four slabs of ribs. There was a hilarious D-bag at the counter who had clearly been kicked in the head by a horse or was on Quaaludes or something (does anyone still take ‘ludes or did I just seriously date myself there?). The guy in the keebler elf window asked D-bag a question and multiple seconds later, D-bag grunted and pointed to random guy next to him. Random guy ordered, and the keebler elf guy looked at D-bag. After a couple more seconds of awkward silence, D-bag yells out of nowhere, “Half Chicken. Spicy as F*CK!!!” (*note, he did not say “firetruck”).

We got up to the counter and we made sure we asked if they had X-item before we ordered it. Fortunately, everything we needed, they still had remnants left. SCORE!!! We waited for our food while D-bag would hold the door open for people coming in and then he’d make weird comments to them (which seriously would have made me leave). When they called D-bag’s order, they told him the amount and he just stood there for a few seconds and then eventually reached into his wallet and paid for the random guy’s food also. I’m assuming they were together or maybe one was the other one’s handler. We got our food, made a small cheer for victory and then left for HotGirlsBrother’s apartment.

Without my GPS, I’m retarded all of a sudden. I honestly realized I know like 10 streets in Minneapolis, and don’t know any of the shortcuts I should know at this point. So I guess I took the scenic route to his apartment. Not only that, Low-Vee takes priority on his parking spot behind the building, so I had to drive around to find parking. Then since I didn’t have a phone, I couldn’t call to tell them I was there. Then, I didn’t remember his apartment number, so I couldn’t buzz his apartment. Then none of the apartment numbers were labeled or named, so I couldn’t buzz him. I went around back and yelled at the general direction of his window, only to anger someone who was clearly NOT HotGirlsBrother. So I went back around front and sat on the steps, hoping they would come down and get me. Apparently, they looked out the window of the floor he lives on and didn’t see me (since I was SITTING on the steps), so they kept waiting. For a half-hour. I’m sitting on the concrete steps in the cold with a bag of quickly-becoming-cold red beans and rice.

Eventually, they came all the way to the door and HotGirlsBrother felt sufficiently guilty and I got to eat my ribs (they were already done eating). Then we watched American Idol (first time I’ve ever seen the show) (and likely the last).

All in all, I’m glad the fiasco is over and I’m glad I got to eat ribs. Eventually.

Top 5 things about the Rib Fiasco of 2009
1. I’m sooooo glad Gerd wasn’t there or she would have stabbed someone in the throat with a plastic butter knife – her patience was thin when it came to food
2. Ted Cook’s ribs are really good (even when not completely hot)
3. Best non-Popeye’s red beans and rice
4. The guy from Scott Ja-Mamma’s was super apologetic – don’t worry, I’ll be back there!!
5. Hilarious slow-mo D-bag at Ted Cook’s

Bottom 5 things
1. Being phone-less, GPS-less, address-less, and txt-less sucks really bad
2. No Scott Ja-Mamma’s ribs
3. No Capp’s ribs
4. Waiting outside in the cold
5. American Idol