Since Coach was in town, we decided to do some golfing. It had been a long time since any of us had been golfing, so we hit up a nice course – the same course that my nephew the Delivery Boy and I went to last year - Edinburgh USA. This is a top notch course. And to share the love, we invited KingDavid (who hasn’t golfed in 10 years) and his brother WiseCracker (who is a much better golfer than we).
We started early and set the bar low for the round equally early. A LOT of slicing and a lot of divots and a lot of tree action. When the trees started to come into play on the second hole, we discussed a little side-game Coach and I have played for years called SPF (I won’t get into what this stands for). Basically, you get one stroke deducted from your final score for every tree you hit – this keeps us from getting super angry and quitting by the third hole (well, some of us). There’s a second phase to the side game which involves playing an entire hole with one club, including driving and putting, and the lowest score gets to deduct that score from their final total as well. The end of the round usually involves a significantly better score than we actually shoot – but it keeps it fun.
KingDavid really impressed us with the number of trees he hit right off the bat – like solid and consistent performance. So his adjusted score was going to be astronomical. Well Coach stepped up his game by gaining a never before seen SPF gold medal 6-point shot by hitting a tree which then ricocheted off and hit a really expensive house super loud (1 stroke deducted for the tree, 5 strokes for the house). It was hilarious. This house shot was followed by him hitting his next shot approximately 175 yards up onto the green 2 feet from the hole. Then Coach continued making his move by racking up tree after tree. Then we saw this sign…
There was considerable laughter, not only at Coach’s expense, but mostly. Coach hit a hilariously errant shot and drilled a huge apartment building at least 150 yards off the fairway. Then two holes later, he hit a shot so off course it flew into a swimming pool behind one of the rich people’s golf course houses. Things got even more hilarious when Coach hit a really awful shot and ended up bouncing it off the front of our golf cart. WiseCracker threw his hat up into the air and fell on the ground laughing. This was the beginning of the end for Coach.
We tried to guess what Coach could possibly hit next – cars? Geese (which he came SUPER close to doing)? Children? Groundskeepers? Walrus? Pterodactyl? As background, Coach comes from a long line of quitters and clappers. Since he didn’t seem to be clapping, it was inevitable that he was going to be quitting. And he did.
The ball he lined up the wrong way and smashed solidly (his best shot of the day) straight into the pond was hilarious. Then when he threw his driver further than he hit his ball, it was also hilarious. Then when he went to pick it up and snapped it over his knee – also hilarious. Then he systematically snapped all of his clubs in half – also hilarious. The policy at the course is you must have a bag and four clubs – but they didn’t specify whether you had to finish the round with four or just start the round. CLASSIC!!!!
We were laughing so hard my face now hurts. We’re not sure of the actual score since there were a handful of holes he didn’t finish. But it was worth the price of admission for me.
Top 5 things about golfing at Edinburgh USA
1. Coach hitting a house after a tree
2. Coach hitting our golf cart
3. Coach hitting a swimming pool
4. Coach hitting an apartment building
5. Coach coming within a foot of hitting a goose in the water
Bottom 5 things
1. Pricey, but worth it
2. Course will be much greener in a few weeks
3. Coach has to buy new clubs or take up a new sport
4. Coach was legitimately trying but the course clearly hated him today
5. They flew in a cold Scotland rain while we were playing – we left the grounds and it was 70 and sunny