Bad Movie Night #3 - Minneapolis, MN

Bad Movie Night (BMN) is what I would consider a successful venture in the Minnesota area. You never know if these cultural oddities will transfer across state lines, but I’m glad this one did. Tonight’s theme was sort of religious, since we had a couple of biblical films to show. Only a couple of people followed the food theme for the night, but this one was a difficult one, so it’s understandable. HotGirlsBrother brought a couple of those Jesus candles you see in the Hispanic section of the grocery store – hilarious. And SB brought a loaf of bread and fish sticks, for the win – best theme food ever, SB.

We started the films with Jesus Christ Vampire Hunter. This is a really bad film, partially, because it’s from Canada, where the metric system makes everything even funnier. But also because it contains the greatest combination of movie ideas ever melded into one brilliant film: Vampires, lesbians, Mexican wrestlers, kung-fu, punk rock priests, broadway musical dancing, clown cars, and Canadian money. The premise is Jesus comes back to Earth and finds it is slowly being overtaken by lesbian vampires and atheists, so he basically fights as many of them as possible. Lots of parts to get the crowd yelling in this film, so it worked out well.

The second film, I was unsure about showing to this group, based on previous BMNs where the energy level dropped after a while. But the second film was a winner – Noah’s Ark. It’s actually a mini-series, not a feature-length film, but I was able to fast forward through enough of the boring spots to maintain the energy level. Made in the 1990s, it features Academy Award winner John Voight as Noah AND God, Academy Award winner F. Murray Abraham as Noah’s best friend Lot (way off from the real bible story), Academy Award winner Mary Steenburgen as Noah’s hot wife, Academy Award winner James Coburn as the Peddler, Golden Globe winner Carol Kane as Lot’s annoying wife, Sidney Poitier’s daughter Sydney Poitier, some guy from Buffy the Vampire Slayer, and a crap ton of terrible actors. This film opens with a script that says the directors of the film took poetic license with the bible – brilliant move, morons. They inserted a boatload of terrible special effects and CGI into the film, as well as some of the worst Monty Python-esque scripts and Wild Kingdom stock footage, and made one of the most awful movies ever. There’s a WATER BATTLE after the flood involving pirates and grappling hooks and also James Coburn on a paddle boat (hence, the PEDDLER). It’s an awful movie and I was glad to have people yelling and laughing along at the idiocy in it. It was a winner.

Huge thanks to everyone who came over and had a good time with it. We had some good food and LOTS of adult beverages were downed. A big shout out to Ruby Vita who suggested bringing Bubblegum flavored vodka (from Three Olives company) – which HotGirlsBrother scored for us. It’s amazing and after about 8 shots, you slur a lot apparently. We had bottles of port, madiera, mead, scotch, girly concoctions I made up, and a bunch of various beers. Clearly, the amount of fun had at bad movie night is in direct relation to the amount of adult beverages consumed. At least at OUR Bad Movie Nights. Sadly, there was no dancing in my kitchen this time, but there WERE chocolate and caramel covered pretzels, which made up for it. After staying up until 5am when everyone left, playing disc golf at 8am wasn’t as much fun as it could have been…