Billy's on Grand - St. Paul, MN

After roller derby, we were all starving, so we went to grab some food. We started out at Sweeny’s which I was really looking forward to, but the place was completely packed. We hopped back in the car and drove down the street to Billy’s on Grand. I’ve never been to this bar before, but someone thought they had food until late, so it was worth checking out. Then I heard this place kind of turns into a d-bag bar on weekends, so it had that going for it.

We got there and it turns out that d-bag thing was pretty spot on. There were frat boy d-bags with fedoras and backwards white ball caps all over the place. There were also mobs of super trashy trixies looking to hook up with the aforementioned d-bags that night. CLEARLY looking to hook up. We all pointed and laughed at and talked about how these girls were having trouble walking in their 5 inch pink spike heels and awful outfits. We were much more cautious about poking fun at the d-bags who were clearly ready to burst through their tiny d-bag shirts with roid rage.

We actually scored a table pretty quickly and ordered some drinks. I scored a Woodpecker Cider which is a pretty marginal CIDER. Not great, but not fantastic. The menu actually had a couple of things that looked good on it, so I finally narrowed it down. I decided on the Firehouse Burger – a habanero-infused burger with blue cheese and applewood smoked bacon. I finished it off with some curly fries, which the server assured me were “exactly the same as Arby’s”. I guess it was going to be an Arby’s night.

The food came out and looked awesome. A criss-cross of crispy bacon and a decent amount of blue cheese on the thing. I bit into the thing and was a little disappointed at how dry it was. The flavor was actually really good. I was impressed with the zing of the habanero in the burger and there was a great combination of blue cheese and bacon in it. With a better cooked patty, it would have been a great burger. As it was, it was just ok. Even ketchup couldn’t lubricate this burger enough to be fake-juicy. The fries were actually quite good. I will admit, they did taste just like Arby’s, so at least the server was right about it.

I tried some of the nachos, which were my second choice, but I’m kind of glad I didn’t. They were subpar nachos without enough cheese on them. There was a decent pile of stuff on them, including jalepenos and olives and tomatoes, but the cheese makes the nachos, and there simply wasn’t enough of it.

All in all, it was just an ok restaurant, but stellar d-bag bar. So depending on what you’re looking for, you might just score at Billy's on Grand.

Top 5 things about Billy's
1. Curly fries were just like Arby’s
2. Firehouse burger, minus the dry-ness
3. Good sized menu
4. Free popcorn, if you can find the machine
5. Whore-y girls to mock

Bottom 5 things
1. Dry burger
2. No decent cider
3. Nachos
4. Super d-bags
5. Super slow service

www.billysongrand.com