Tuesday, February 15, 2011

Bad Movie Night (Valentine’s Day Theme) – West St. Paul, MN

Every Bad Movie Night we have is awesome – no matter what we show. But every once in a while, you have to show a REALLY bad movie, just to let people see what the USUAL quality of an entertaining bad movie really is. I thought I’d lower the benchmark just a little bit this time, so people didn’t get too comfortable that the movies couldn’t get worse. Oh… they can…

We had over 40 people show up to this Bad Movie Night, so I believe these things are gaining in popularity… scary thought, isn’t it?

I will explicitly divulge that it is VERY difficult to find a Valentine’s Day-themed bad movie with enough comedic awfulness to show to a crowd of people expecting to yell and groan and get belligerent without the usual stigma of yelling out loud during movies. That being said, D.Rough and I went through approximately 60 films to try to find something suitable. I came up with ZILCH – but it wasn’t for lack of trying. For example, here are a few that were potential screeners for bad movie night:

  • Private Valentine: Blonde and Dangerous – Jessica Simpson acts terribly as a rich girl who signs up for the army to change her life
  • Caveman’s Valentine – Samuel L. Jackson plays a swearing lunatic (not his only film where he does this)
  • Valentine – Nerd boy continues to be creepy and awkward after he grows up and exacts revenge on his bullies
  • My Bloody Valentine – Decent horror film remade without a lot of humor
  • The Sinful Nuns of St. Valentine – LOTS of nekid lesbian nuns (why didn’t I show this again?...)
  • The Hitmen Diaries: Charlie Valentine – low-budget crime movie without anything to yell at or be amused by

We ended up with The Terror of Blood Fart Lake and Hidden Beauties: The Awakening. Neither of these are Valentine-related, but the first one has “blood” in the title – which comes from a heart, and there are lots of hearts for Valentine’s Day. And the second film was basically rejected Skin-emax soft-core from the 90’s with plenty of gratuitous and silicone-filled nudity and shirtless gardners. What else could you ask for on Valentine’s Day?!

Terror of Blood Fart Lake – a group of college kids go to hang out at a cabin with their friend Hambone at Blood Fart Lake. People start disappearing in mysterious ways. Then a guy is inserted into a girl’s butt. Yeah, I told you it was weird. People were legitimately angry with me for making them watch this one. Judging by the number of death threats and middle fingers directed at me afterwards, I think it went pretty well. Hahahahaha.

Hidden Beauties: The Awakening – a wealthy lord dies shortly after proposing to three different women. The women come back as ghosts when relatives of the castle come arrive to claim their property from the housekeeper and gardener. There’s nudity in the first 30 seconds through the end of the film. What did you THINK we were going to watch? Barney?? People were less angry at me for this one, but I think some of our viewers were a bit put off by the… uh… upfront nature of this one.

Our illustrious friend EJens took some notes while watching this film. I took photos of the notes, since my scanner wasn't working. You'll learn a lot from his notes. Soon, EJens will be going through ladies like he does organic cotton socks. I'd better warn my mother.

As the crowd dwindled, we showed a portion of Deep Africa – which you don’t need to know any details of unless you like inflatable pool toys or E.T. And then when almost everyone else was gone, we showed Kinky Boots – which isn’t a bad movie at all and I actually love it.

The food was almost entirely heart-, blood-, or valentine-related. There were candy hearts, salsa (which is red), strawberry fluff, artichoke HEART dip, D.Rough’s now-famous homemade twinkie-zebra-cake mixup, Valentine’s Day Tootsie Pops, fancy giant valentine chocolate chip cookie, some chocolate, and some non-related things like Meat Dip, jalapeno Cheetos and blueberry shortcake thingies.

We also had ICP Chex Mix (yes, we DID listen to ICP while we made it – extra loud, so it was extra spicy)(also extra annoying and I think my pantlegs got larger at the bottom during the process).

We had jello-filled-jello hearts from Skully (there’s also some condensed milk in there, too).

NinjaRoll brought and decorated a bleeding-heart-with-an-arrow cake, which ruled. And then he fixed the broken dishwasher and garbage disposal during intermission – that guy is amazing!)

We also had chocolate covered strawberries, including one as large as your fist (thanks, SecretMeat).

Some amazing hand-crafted and –frosted cupcakes with sayings on them you won’t find at most bakeries…(Thanks, GingerVitus and OttoThuening) (Don’t read the cupcakes, D.Rough’s mom!!!)

But the “over and above” award goes to A-Wow for commandeering, cleaning, and cooking an actual cow heart. He made it into a stew so people would be more inclined to eat it. Frankly, the thing was pretty good. Only slightly chewier than steak, and the gravy it was in in the crock pot was delicious with the mashed potatoes he brought. Well played, A-Wow. My free-dbag-hat-I-got-from-the-minnesota-swarm goes off to you.

My friends and fellow terrible movie lovers know how to cook. They also know how to drink.

We set up a table with alcoholic beverages we’ve been trying to get rid of – you know, the ones with an inch or two of liquid left in the bottom. Huge thanks to El Jefe for stepping up to the plate and polishing off 4 of the bottles all by himself. Well done!

The movie night ended up being a relative success. We’ve had better films, but this only gives me the impetus to astound people with the next set of movies I chose for Bad Movie Night. Thanks for everyone who showed up!

[Note: I now found a decent list of films I should have tried to get my hands on but didn’t:]
  • My Boyfriend’s Back
  • Lover’s Lane
  • Pontypool
  • I Hate Valentine’s Day
  • Sugar Valentine: A Pimp’s Tale
  • Funny Valentine
  • Valentin
  • The First Valentine
  • Everyday is Valentine

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