Sunday, December 14, 2008

Heart Attack Grill – Phoenix, AZ

I’m not sure where to start with this restaurant. Gerd found this place on the internet and my brother in law from Michigan also mentioned it to me. There is a sign on the door that gives some sort of explicit warning about there being nothing healthy inside, and they’re right. The place has kind of a strip club feel to it. The waitresses are all dressed as naughty nurses, really naughty nurses. You can only sit at the counter, which is set up like a strip club (not that I know, but I’ve seen movies). This is a new location - they used to have tables and chairs at the old location, but they're ... uh... upgraded.

You sit and they point to the pictures of burgers on the wall and ask “single, double, triple, or quadruple?” They only have cheese burgers in various sizes. The beef patties are half pounders and they are called bypasses – yes, as in quadruple bypass. They don’t have diet soda and Gerd got mocked for asking for it. They have coke (in bottles from mexico), sprite, beer, and shots of hard liquor.

I ordered a triple bypass and Gerd ordered a double bypass. We also got fries, which are deep fried in lard, are unlimited, and are sort of self-serve next to a nacho cheese pump. Gerd pushed down on the pump thingy and completely missed her fries, spraying cheese all over the bottom of the machine. Hilarious.

I picked up our sammiches and the guy told me “if you finish the triple, you get a ride from the waitress.” The burgers were enormous. Seriously, we had to get forks and knives to eat them. I wouldn’t have been able to fit it in my mouth. When I got back to our spot at the counter, the waitress said, “if you finish that, I’ll give you a dance and ride out to your car.” I was half tempted to leave just one tiny bite so it wouldn’t happen, but come on, I had to have the whole experience, right? Then she jumped up on the counter next to us while we were eating and started talking to us. Gerd later questioned how many OSHA regulations were violated by having nearly exposed stripper bits on our counter.

I destroyed my burger. I impressed myself a little bit. I also found out later that the burger alone was about 6000 calories (seriously), and that didn’t include all the cheese covered fries I ate. The burger was honestly delicious. I would have been impressed by the size, but the flavor was actually good too. Quality meat and very juicy, so not overcooked like a lot of burgers. I would go here again and maybe get a single or a double.

There are also pictures on the wall of people who have finished the quadruple bypass, listed with their time of completion. Now THAT is a serious burger. Apparently the record is 1:47. As in under TWO minutes. And he didn’t look like Kobiachi either. I would be impressed (and horrified) to see someone do that.

So when the waitress noticed I finished the whole thing, she clapped all stripper like and then began to look nervous. I didn’t mention the dance or the ride to the car, and neither did she. I started to get worried. Was it going to happen? Was it a hoax? Apparently, either she had some previous bad experience or was new enough to the routine that she blew me off. We were almost out the door when I stopped and said, “hey can I get my ride now?” (How many times have I said that?). She nervously said, “To your car?” “Yes, I thought if I finished my triple, then I got a ride.” (I didn’t bring up the aforementioned “dance.”) Again, she seemed nervous as she turned to her fellow waitresses and gave some sort of weird signal and whispered, “This guy wants a ride in the wheel chair.”

Clearly this was something that didn’t happen regularly, so I said, “hey look, if this isn’t something that usually happens, maybe I can just get a photo in the wheelchair.” This apparently eased whatever fear she had about Gerd and I tag teaming her out in the Jeep Commander. So Gerd and I got a photo in front of the menu. Gerd in front of the Double Bypass she ate, and me in front of the Triple Bypass I ate.
Then I got my photo in the wheel chair. Notice the cheese pump in the background and the SIGN that says I get a ride to my car if I finish the triple bypass

Here is the artwork in the bathroom. I almost didn't notice it, but it's hilarious.

We both left completely stuffed. It was a good decision to go here and not the healthier decision that was our backup. I would recommend this place not just for the experience, but for the actual food. It was really good.

Top 5 things about the Heart Attack Grill
1. Triple Bypass
2. Naughty Nurses
3. Unlimited fries cooked in lard covered in pump cheese
4. No diet soda
5. Naughty Nurses (how did that get on here twice?)

Bottom 5 things
1. Standard issue stripper perfume (from what I hear… er… smell…)
2. Conversational sitting on the counter next to you while you’re trying to eat
3. Bathroom was separated into stripper and non-stripper stalls
4. Gerd told me to put “no diet pop” – seriously?
5. Bald-faced lies about dancing and wheelchair rides out to the car for finishing a 6000 burger

Heart Attack Grill

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