M.Edium’s Birthday Party and Halloween Carnival – Minneapolis, MN

Normal parents buy their 5-year-old son a handful of toys and maybe some new pants or something for their birthdays, right? Not M. and Trash Giant. They hold a freaking Halloween carnival for 30 or so kids. I got roped into running one of the “game stations” they were setting up and EyeHeartPizza also got tricked into helping. She was going to be a zombie (without blood so it didn’t scare the kids too much), but when Bitter backed out at the last minute, EyeHeartPizza got to be a witch. I’ll explain some of this in a bit.

Trash talked many of her friends and family into manning various activity stations throughout the Halloween complex. I call it this since they conned their neighbors on both sides of the house into helping out with this. The neighbors on the left removed vehicles in order to position the coloring station, the fish ducks out of a pond station and small track where two kids could drive a large electric car around a track. Yes, seriously. On the right side of the house, the neighbors were storing items from the Giants’ garage that had to be removed for the activities and also had food and beverages for everyone. Two crock pots full of chili, some pulled pork, a veggie tray, various snacks, and coolers full of beer.

At the Giant household proper, there was a scary food station (where kids would stick their hands into a bowl of spaghetti noodles and they would tell them it was brains or olives were eyeballs, etc), a HUGE buffet filled with food and desserts, a jungle gym decorated with scary colors, a game station (broom ball contests and scavenger hunts), a pin-the-nose-on-the-pumpkin station, and they had turned their garage into a mini haunted house. Yes, out of control. All this in addition to turning the entire front of the house and yard into a graveyard complete with bones and gravestones and fog machine. Very impressive amount of work.

All of the volunteers were assigned costumes by M. Edium, except for me. I was the only one that got to choose their costume. But I’ll get to that. Trash’s brother was told he would be Darth Vader and would be in the haunted house. M. Giant’s friend ZenViking was an awesome Dracula, EyeHeartPizza was a witch, Trash’s hot mom friend was a cat, and the list goes on and on.

Most of the parents showed up with their kids, however, there were a few parents that just rolled up to the driveway, pushed their kids out, and drove off. Nice parenting skills, people. I don’t think we lost any kids to wolves, so I think we did ok.

The highlight of the party for the kids, I think, was the haunted house. The kids were sent in three or four at a time with a tiny lantern and Darth Vader would jump out. They’d turn a corner and Dracula would jump out (only made one kid cry). Then they’d turn the corner and EyeHeartPizza was stirring a cauldron of candy for them to get snacks from. It was hilarious hearing the kids scream and hearing a witch’s cackle periodically.

I was outside manning the pin-the-nose-on-the-pumpkin game. I’ll set the stage for you – I was dressed as what could best be described as a ghey pirate. Meaning I borrowed one of Gerd’s costumes she had in the basement – she used to work at a Halloween shop years ago and had some costumes in reserve. So I grabbed the “slutty pirate” costume (yes for girls), and with no regard for the “M” that was imprinted on the tag of the outfit, I put it on. Yes, I stuffed my fat ass into a tiny slutty pirate costume. I opted to forego the mini skirt and went with tattered shorts instead. I think it was a wise move. So I’ve got a hilarious puffy shirt with gold trim a gold belt, a red ribbon tied in my hair, an eye patch, a pirate hat, a hook hand, and black foam things that made my shoes look like boots.

The whole time I’m wearing this costume, I get to ask questions like, “hey little girl, want some candy?” or “Hey little boy, want to play a game?” and then I would blindfold them and spin them around until they were dizzy. Creepy? Yes. Wanna know what’s even more creepy? When EyeHeartPizza came out of the haunted house at the end of the night, she asked me, “Hey dumbass, was your fly down the whole night?” Why, yes, it was apparently. I can’t wait to hear the comments from parents Trash will certainly get. It was 100% unintentional, but at the same time, was the highlight of Trash’s night.

All in all, it was an awesome night and I think all the kids had a blast. Some of them said they never wanted to leave. And a couple parents thanked the Giant’s sarcastically for ruining every birthday party their kids would ever have. Hahaha. It was a huge success and despite complete exhaustion, it was a major success.

Top 5 things about M. Edium’s Birthday Part and Halloween Carnival
1. Haunted House ruled
2. Unlimited food - I drank like 11 juice boxes
3. EyeHeartPizza’s awesome costume and rash-inducing makeup (and witch’s cackle)
4. ZenViking made a kid cry in the haunted house
5. I got M. Edium his favorite present of the night – a clone trooper blaster. Thanks for buying it and putting my name on it, EyeHeartPizza (you rule vicariously through me)

Bottom 5 thing
1. I would have given anything to see Gerd in her homemade pencil costume that was in her Halloween bin. I’m going to buy some things and see if I can wear it for a Halloween party coming up in two weeks!
2. M. Edium was too scared to go inside his own haunted garage
3. Creepy pedophile ghey pirate with his zipper down
4. Parents who dropped off their kids without finding the homeowners first
5. Once the kids got comfortable with the electric car, they took it off roading, straight through the tape barriers and hay bales. Not quite Dukes of Hazzard, but close…