As I said before, M.Giant had bought a large bag of gross candy and brought some of it to lunch with Trash and I. We had just tried the Maynard’s Wine Gums – which sadly were non-alcoholic – and now we were on to the Dippin’ Candy. If you’re unfamiliar with Dippin’ Dots, it’s basically ice cream flavored sugar that people claim is eaten in space. It isn’t. They claim it’s the ice cream of the future. It isn’t. This is the candy, aka non-refrigerated, version of Dippin’ Dots.
This was the banana split flavor, so we kind of knew what we were expecting flavor-wise. There are four different colored sugar balls in this package. Some are smaller than others, but there’s pretty much a standard small-pea-sized piece of candy with pink, white, brown, and yellow colors. It is safe to assume this point that the pink is representing strawberry, the yellow is banana, the white is vanilla, and the brown is chocolate. Did each individual ball taste different though?
The answer is…. Yes! They do. You could have your butler pick out all of the banana ones if you wanted him to (you guys have butlers, right?). So M and I set about picking out individual flavors and eating only what we wanted. To get the maximum banana split flavor though, you have to eat a handful and mix it all together like in the real life non-dippin’ world. IT actually does taste pretty close to a banana split with some alterations. I’ll explain.
You know how banana flavoring tends to over power every other flavor, no matter how small of an amount is in there? There were an equal number of banana balls in with the other colored candy. Uh oh. Also, these things are pure sugar, so you should probably borrow your little brother’s insulin and shoot up before doing this (if you guys don’t have butlers, you surely have diabetic little brothers, right?).
So translated into the real world, you’d have this. First, take those trays you get for tooth whitening or for fluoride treatments or maybe a hockey mouth guard and fill it with sugar. Then put it in your mouth. Then take some sort of heat source and mold that half-inch thick layer of sugar to your teeth permanently. Then, take about 200 bananas and somehow get them all into your face hole. When you’ve done that, get one scoop of vanilla ice cream and one scoop of chocolate ice cream on top of that. Finally, stick two small strawberries into any space in your mouth possible. Now you’ve kind of got the proper ratios to visualize eating this kind of candy.
I was sick of this candy within about 5 tiny morsels of Dippin’. I know kids go crazy for this stuff, but obviously, those are the same kids who are doing lines of pixie stix dust off of pre-whore butts. I don’t think the human body can process that much sugar, and it certainly can’t process that many bananas. No way. Also, I can't imagine giving children access to a million tiny balls of sugar that you'll never be able to find unless you're sitting in an enclosed glass box while eating them (the candy, not the children). These little bastards roll EVERYWHERE (again, the candy, not the children).
Thanks for letting me try this candy, M. and Trash, but I don’t think I can have any more of that stuff. I’m going to go chisel my teeth now. Again.