Psycho Suzie’s Part 2 – Minneapolis, MN

Smallz and TheDoctor took me to Psycho Suzies last week to try some girly drinks. I tried one that was just alright, but I was determined to try more there since everything on the menu was pretty much out of my dream recipe drink menu. Also, I didn’t notice this the first time, but Suzie’s has wooden-plank patterned carpet on the floor. It rules. That’s true class.

Since golf was over and since TheDoctor drove specifically to facilitate my inebriation compliments of Suzie, it was ON. I ordered the Paradise Island – the reason for them bringing me to Suzie’s in the first place. It’s 54 oz of liquor and fruit nectars served in a giant diamond head crater ceramic vessel. Seriously, it’s awesome. And I don’t just mean the container itself is awesome. This might be my favorite girly drink of all time.

TheDoctor ordered Pele’s Fire Bowl, which is a bunch of rum with mango, pineapple, and orange served ON FIRE. It’s only 48 oz, so you know it’s not nearly as awesome as the Paradise Island. But it’s served in a large bowl (again, ON FIRE) so we would periodically yell loudly “Let’s get ready to rum bowl!!!” And of course this happened more and more frequently as we neared the bottom of our containers. This also got more and more hilarious as I drank more and I ended up saying it on my own multiple times, sadly. The best part about the drinks was the waitress very explicitly asked us if we knew the drinks we ordered were usually “multi-person drinks”. The menu even says so – Serves 2-4 people. We assured her we knew what we were doing and we’d be fine.



I also got some of the world famous (supposedly) pizza I’ve heard a lot of people talk about, but to my surprise, it was actually quite good. I made sure I was sober when I critiqued it. I got the Hemi Cuda – which they refer to a heart attack on a plate. Pepperoni, Italian Sausage, Canadian Bacon, ground hamburger, onions, green peppers, and mozzarella. It was absolutely amazing. One of the best pizzas I’ve had in Minneapolis. Truly good.

I polished off the Hemi Cuda and the Paradise Island. And since it wasn’t enough, I ordered the happy hour special which was the Angry Geisha or Geisha of Death or something with Geisha in the name. They were smaller drinks, but I ended up drinking mine and then most of another persons.

Let me remind you that TheDoctor was driving for this very reason. Lots of other people showed up, including HotGirlsBrother, Lo-Vee, SB, HB, MegaColon, and In-Nate. The party started to wind down when people got sick of drinking girly drinks and needed to go home.

Which is exactly what Smallz and TheDoctor and I weren’t going to do. We drove (I’m not kidding here) less than a block to the next bar called Jaros’, since TheDoctor had some golf chaffage and was in no shape to walk the 150 ft to the next bar. The reason we went to Jaros’ was so Smallz could buy TheDoctor and I the house specialty, known as “greenies”. As it turns out, they fill a class about 90% full of cheap vodka, another 9% with club soda, and then a splash of green coloring along with a sprinkle of this weird pixie dust. The drink is green and it’s strong. Weird things happen when you get one of these drinks in your system...


I shouldn’t have drank mine before everyone else, but I did. And surprisingly, it was pretty good. It made TheDoctor saying the word "cooter" 15 times even more hilarious than it normally would have been. I’d go back here and drink these again. Plus there were a LOT of tranny-looking ladies, in here, which I MIGHT have said too loudly when they walked past us. A LOT of trannies. We polished off only one of these each, before Smallz dumped his all over the table and we headed out.

Smallz and TheDoctor continued on, but I needed to go home, so I caught a ride back home. Safe and sound. Of course with all of my stuff in the back of TheDoctor’s car. Oh well. I wasn’t going golfing anytime soon. I was actually making breakfast for some of these random folks the next morning and I needed to be at my best!

Top 5 things about Suzie’s
1. Paradise Island
2. Hemi Cuda Pizza
3. Greenie at Jaros’ (I KNOW it’s not Suzie’s so shut it)
4. Evil Geisha or whatever it was
5. Hanging with super cool people at Suzie’s was really fun

Bottom 5 things
1. Gerd would have yelled at me for drinking 75+ oz of rum, but she would have laughed at me getting loud, I’m sure of it
2. I would have felt a lot better NOT sitting in my own sweat and sunscreen from golf
3. There were some scary people at Jaros’
4. People got lame and didn’t want to go bowling with Smallz and I
5. MegaColon dumped my fruit skewer out of my drink onto the dirty table (then she felt bad and made me drink the rest of her Geisha drink)