Boiler Room – Portland, OR (long entry)

After dinner, we wanted to go out on the town and check out the night life. And since we’re all lame, we found a nice karaoke bar – The Boiler Room. When we walked past the place, it looked like there was a wedding reception going on inside, so we knew this place was going to get rowdy. We were right.

The wedding party was not quite loaded when we walked in, but they were well on their way. Hot dressed up girls and douche-bag guys. Maybe 4 or 5 maids of honor and the same number of groomsmen, and friends and families of the wedding party. They were singing all kinds of random stuff and not well – these were our people. Watching ladies over 50 singing all the words to Scorpions and Ratt songs is something you can’t explain…

Drinks, round one, just to loosen up. Chicken Little hopped up on stage and sang “Shout”, yes from the TV commercial (sadly, I know someone famous wrote it, but I’m a pop culture void, so I don’t know who it is). This actually got the wedding party yelling along with him, so it was a perfect choice to start with.

I couldn’t wait for Chicken Little, Slutnik, and Gerd to catch up, so I started to have “point-five” drinks – these are fill-in drinks between rounds – ie, round 1.5, 2.5, etc… I’m not a fan of karaoke, but my friend Jack Daniels and I have been known to do a duet from time to time (and the captain will join in for a three-way as well on occasion).

My friend Babo from Vancouver WA showed up to see us after leaving a fund-raising event he was at. He was still in a suit and tie, so he looked like he was there with the wedding party. Apparently, he had just won a BMX bike in the auction at the event. Yes, he's 40, but he wasn't about to let some punk kid take this bike from him. He has no idea what to do with the bike now, but at least he won. I love this guy. Babo didn't stick around long, but we made plans to do lunch the following day, so all is good.

The place started to fill up with civilians, so we got in our bid for a couple of songs early. I pulled off a stunningly terrible version of “Tragedy” by the BeeGees after a couple more drinks, although I had a fan throwing her fist in the air with me at the end of the song (video is here) Slutnik brought the noise with David Hasselhoff's version of "She's Like The Wind" (video is here) Chicken Little and Slutnik threw down a killer rendition of Queen’s “Don’t Stop Me Now” complete with Chicken Little dancing like a satellite (so he says) and what looks like choreographed dance moves which they claim were accidental (video is here) and Chicken Little’s excrutiatingly white version of Otis Redding’s “Try a Little Tenderness” – complete with Chicken Little yelling, “Show me some SOUL, white people!!!!” (video is here).

The drinks had flowed pretty solid most of the night (including my point-five drinks). Chicken Little starts loudly ranting about how white people are ruining this country. He instantly makes friends with this hilarious guy from India and his wife. And also ends up making enemies with this African American woman who points out that he’s Caucasian. Believe me, all of this is way funnier in real life than in text-form, but I had to tell the story. Every time the DJ would call someone’s name for the next song, Chicken Little would yell, “Steve? I hate that doosh!!!” or “Stephanie sucks! Pick Chicken Little!!!” At one point, Chicken Little and India-man were chanting “Chicken Little! Chicken Little! Chicken Little!” while pounding on the tables. Hilarious.

We started to gather our things when I heard my name called for a song I had put in for like two hours earlier. Jack convinced me that I had one more song in me. Slutnik was watching our personal items while Gerd and Chicken Little were using the facilities one last time. So I started in on Wilson Phillips’ “Hold On” without my cheering section. Apparently it didn’t matter, since right as Gerd came out of the restroom, two random girls hopped up on the stage with me to “help.”

As you can see from the video, these girls were militant. The girl in my face has a death grip on my microphone and the other girl had stolen the extra microphone and was singing loudly and then shoving the mic in Chicken Little’s face. The girl in front of me keeps grabbing my arm and then handfuls of my hair as she screams drunkenly in my face. Gerd said she didn’t know whether to hand out some whoop-ass or keep running film (she decided to keep running film for evidence against me later – typical girl).

You can see Chicken Little starting the crowd clapping over their heads. Classic. Then he starts dancing and screaming into the microphone. I love this video. At the end of the songs, I screamed the song credits out like some sort of wrestling announcer for some reason. Anyway, I butchered the song, but it didn’t matter, the crowd was insane (so I thought). The girl kept pawing me and talking to me after the song was over, and yes, Gerd kept running film. Needless to say, it was time to leave…

Top 5 things about Boiler Room
1. Otis Redding with extra white-sauce
2. Ladies pawing me during a Wilson Phillips song
3. Choreographed dance moves
4. Chicken Little’s inverted racist comments
5. Awesome crowd participation

Bottom 5 things
1. Standing in line for the restroom with d-bags
2. King d-bag asking me what the hell song I was singing up there
3. They didn’t have Salt ‘n’ Pepa’s “None of Your Business”
4. Gerd didn’t get to sing at all
5. Had to wait hours to sing your song

http://www.boilerroomportland.com