Tuesday, January 20, 2009

Voodoo Doughnut and Wedding Chapel – Portland, OR

Yes, you read that right – doughnuts and wedding chapel.

ALERT!!!! – If you are easily offended by sexual humor, please do not ready any further. Click here if you are. All I’m saying is… don’t judge.

Gerd found this place during a culinary investigation of Portland AFTER she saw a photo of Chicken Little eating a doughnut with Crunchberries on it. We knew this place was a MUST-DO. And as usual with Gerd’s discoveries, we were NOT disappointed.

Remember the previous night adventures with external stomach-acid? Chicken Little was still feeling terrible. And apparently this affects his parking abilities. Also, the reverse diagonal parking didn’t help. You have to back in at an angle and it wasn’t working. We piled out of the car to let him make additional attempts and went inside. He wasn’t going to be participating in the breakfast feast.

We waited in line outside in the cold. Apparently this place always has a line since the inside of the place is about 10’ x 10’. Seriously. Get more than 8 people inside and you’re done. But on the walls are really funny articles about accidents and porn stars and t-shirts and a large Isaac Hayes velvet painting. Class act all the way.

Once inside, we got to see the menu on the wall. A hilarious list of things you wouldn’t dream of for doughnut names. But alas, here they are staring you in the face. There’s also a spinning case (taking up valuable room) displaying almost all of the concoctions these doughnut wizards have dreamed up. We decided to do a dozen and then eat them on the road. Excellent choice – we all picked the ones we wanted to try.

Here’s what Gerd and Slutnik decided on: Bloop Loops (with real Fruit Loops on it), Old Dirty Bastard (with oreos and caramel), Diablo Something-Or-Other (with the pentagram), Triple Chocolate (with the cocoa puffs), a Buttermilk Bar, a MiamiViceBerry (the blue one), and I can’t remember what the Crunchberry ones are but Slutnik and Gerd don’t share well so they got two.

And here’s where it gets offensive. I’ll keep my comments to a minimum so as not to offend to much, but you can just imagine the shenanigans that ensued: some small cream filled doughnut that Gerd wanted (lame), and yes, there’s a Bacon Maple Bar (yes, a bacon-covered doughnut – my dream come true), the giant one is a Tex-Ass doughnut, and yes, the last one is aptly named “cock & balls” (and yes, it IS cream-filled – thanks for asking).

Since I said I’d keep my comments to a minimum, I’ll simply say these were the best doughnuts I’ve ever eaten. And sadly, the best one was the buttermilk bar that Gerd got. It was incredible. The other ones were also fantastic. If you are in the neighborhood, you need to go here. They change the items on the menu regularly, but they always seem to have most of the ones mentioned above.

They also do weddings in the place for a fee. They have a package deal with airfare, hotel, sightseeing, and wedding package. Seriously, you can get married here. There are also eating contests and challenges as well. The owner of this place is a mad genius!!!

Top 5 things about Voodoo Doughnut
1. Buttermilk bar
2. Bacon Maple bar
3. Cock & balls
4. Bloop Loops
5. Tex-ass

Bottom 5 things
1. The place is TINY
2. Reverse diagonal parking only – are you serious?
3. Long line all the time, apparently
4. It’s like a bad horror movie inside. Trash couldn’t go here – she has nightmares about such things
5. Their slogan is “The Magic is in the Hole” and they don’t have doughnut holes



Kevin said...

You left your balls at my place. I cut off a slice and ate some last night.

outofsrvc said...
This comment has been removed by the author.
outofsrvc said...

you forgot about the bum who asked for change. he wanted money, but all he got was a giddy "I just spent all my money" from you. also, there was a jesus cristo puzzle that said " god, I am a sinner, please come upon me and ..." i can't remember the rest, but it was funny.